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The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode I

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 4:16 pm    Post subject: The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode I Reply with quote

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The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode I
Posted by Random 14-Year-Old (i-rule-2008@sbcglobal.net)
4 February 2005, 5:58 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=random_14-ye.0204050558281.html
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 6:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, making multiplayer into a trining exercise...Interesting.

First thing is to break up your paragraphs.

[indent] Bllahbalhala la la.

[indent] blh aba jbsj jlsjb jsbakbs sdfgfjs bsdfdjdsfd

And so on.

I guess thats it.
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why the heck did he respawn? Are they playing a game? Why do they hate it so much if it's just a game? I like the style of writing but i don't get this concept at all.

You need to add a little bit more discription. Don't tell us what is happening. Paint us a picture with words.

You put something like
Quote:
He looked down at the bomb and there was a convenient rocket launcher setting there beside it.


try it like this
Quote:
Max was filled with fear as he looked for an out. He looked at the bomb that lay beside him in the ghost. His eyes caught a glimpse of grey and black metal. A Jackhammer rocket launcher! This was just what he needed to turn the tide in his favor.


You get the idea. It would make your story more interesting for us all.

Keep writing. You will get better. Wink
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Facinating idea.... A multiplayer game, made real...

Very creative

I also noticed very few spelling mistakes

Good Job!

9/10
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Bronzemage
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy Crap... that's awesome!
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Fraggio
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 8:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it and I like the concept of having multiplayer as a Spartan training excersise. Very innovative. Keep it coming, can't wait for more.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 12:52 am    Post subject: The Story Reply with quote

sam_fisha, you don't break up paragraphs. Do you read books?

Nice dude. A bit unexpected, but a truly original idea. Great job.

You got that sam_fisha the Pope? You don't break up paragraphs. It is truly unprofessional.

Heh, I sound like Sarge. Maybe because I was "Sarge B."
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FaithPlusOne
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 7:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

sam_fisha wrote:
Hmm, making multiplayer into a trining exercise...Interesting.

First thing is to break up your paragraphs.

[indent] Bllahbalhala la la.

[indent] blh aba jbsj jlsjb jsbakbs sdfgfjs bsdfdjdsfd

And so on.

I guess thats it.

Yeah I just want to echo what Aoxuan said, you are incorrect sir. The way he did it is the way professionals do it.

On to the story, well done, interesting concept.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 9:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, but don't get sucked in by action. I enjoy a shot of explosions chased by a pint of rifle fire, but I much prefer to care about your characters. At this point, I don't care about them, whether they live or die.

Make me care. Get us into their heads. You scratched the surface with your Spartan hating the training, but why hate it if they respawn and don't die? Is this a hidden reason? If so, hint at it, but don't tell us. You didn't hint, in my opinion.

You got into the Captain's head to an extent. I was pleased to read that. We won the war? All right!

Your action was top notch, to your credit. The death at the hand of the Warthog was very good, but dont be afraid to give us more detail. Like the others have said, good concept, but give us MORE, man, give us more!
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 9:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, if I do say so myself. The Ghost on Ghost fight was a bit dry, almost boring-like, but did little to hinder the actual story. And when he was getting shot up by the 'Hog, it sounded like he was just standing there attracting the bullets. If he was just standing there, you better change your tactics next time around. Razz
Overall, I liked it a lot. But I did find it somewhat unlikely that the Reds could jack the Blue Banshee without anyone noticing. This might just inspire me to write my own multiplayer fic...
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Original? Nope. I came up with this concept last year. Late summer, actually. After the episode of SG-1 came out with the whole "Teal'c trapped in chair" thing, I thought that a good way to incorporate MultiPlayer into reality would be to make it training. Now, for mine, it was not real. It was a video game - but I still didn't have respawns. So, this is the first time someone has linked things like this, but I still had the idea first Razz .

That was one thing that threw me off: Respawns. They are used in the game to keep things going longer. People usually don't want to just die once and be done with things. Besides, everyone will die in a game (or should) as they are not invinsible.
So, I would remove that. It is a concept that has no use or practicality in training. Why not like something if you have the opportunity to come back and try again? Keep that in mind.

In writing, don't use things like "aka." That is something that you can use in casual conversation on the web, or in real conversation, but is not something you use in real writing. Not in a story. It looks unprofessional.
Same goes for parentheses. Don't do stuff like "HUD (Heads-Up-Display)", instead explain, like "he glanced over the readings of his heads-up display..." and then abbreviate it later.
So, avoid those kinds of things, if you will.

Spell out those minor numbers. Like "Mark-13" should be "Mark-XIII". It just looks better in Roman numerals.

Those kinds of things (the stuff in his HUD) are advantages if used properly. It would have been good to mention that. For instance, I have a friend that I play with occasionally that might as well not have a motion tracker on his screen. When I first played with my other friends, they didn't ever look at their ammo-counter. And so on. While they do have it, and most likely are trained to use it, what I mentioned would be good to keep in mind. You can't watch everything at one time, either.

Now, about your technology. You said he had Mark-XIII armor. Well, the way you described everything else, the tech had not changed. And this is like a hundred years later. Make sure you have things remain consistent.

In dialogue, avoid doing things like "Buuurrrrrrnnnnn!!!". Emphasize the way something is said through description, not through lengthening the word into something non-existant.

That combat did go by a little quickly. Also, it sounded like as your character boosted past the other Ghost, his opposition just did nothing. Make sure not to make your character sound supremely better than the others. Further, since you are using "real" Spartans in this, they do have training. Thus, they thing strategically and with tactically. Display that in their actions.


Overall, this was pretty good. But, as you can see, this could use some improvement. So, listen to what folks here have posted, and work to improve. Good luck.
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thorn
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2005 5:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it alot, It describes usually what happens in a neutral bomb game on gulch.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2005 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thorn wrote:
I liked it alot, It describes usually what happens in a neutral bomb game on gulch.

Actually, there is no such thing as Assualt (which includes all bomb game modes) on Blood Gulch. There is thes gamemode, however, in Coagulation. Sure, maybe you are just using the original name, but do remember; though they are similar, Blood Gulch and Coagulation are two differing maps.
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