HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode I
Posted by Random 14-Year-Old (i-rule-2008@sbcglobal.net)
4 February 2005, 5:58 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=random_14-ye.0204050558281.html

[sam_fisha]

Hmm, making multiplayer into a trining exercise...Interesting.

First thing is to break up your paragraphs.

[indent] Bllahbalhala la la.

[indent] blh aba jbsj jlsjb jsbakbs sdfgfjs bsdfdjdsfd

And so on.

I guess thats it.

[Caleb the Jackal]

Why the heck did he respawn? Are they playing a game? Why do they hate it so much if it's just a game? I like the style of writing but i don't get this concept at all.

You need to add a little bit more discription. Don't tell us what is happening. Paint us a picture with words.

You put something like

[Covie_Lover]

Facinating idea.... A multiplayer game, made real...

Very creative

I also noticed very few spelling mistakes

Good Job!

9/10

[Bronzemage]

Holy Crap... that's awesome!

[Fraggio]

I liked it and I like the concept of having multiplayer as a Spartan training excersise. Very innovative. Keep it coming, can't wait for more.

[Aoxuan]

sam_fisha, you don't break up paragraphs. Do you read books?

Nice dude. A bit unexpected, but a truly original idea. Great job.

You got that sam_fisha the Pope? You don't break up paragraphs. It is truly unprofessional.

Heh, I sound like Sarge. Maybe because I was "Sarge B."

[FaithPlusOne]

[Azrael]

Not bad, but don't get sucked in by action. I enjoy a shot of explosions chased by a pint of rifle fire, but I much prefer to care about your characters. At this point, I don't care about them, whether they live or die.

Make me care. Get us into their heads. You scratched the surface with your Spartan hating the training, but why hate it if they respawn and don't die? Is this a hidden reason? If so, hint at it, but don't tell us. You didn't hint, in my opinion.

You got into the Captain's head to an extent. I was pleased to read that. We won the war? All right!

Your action was top notch, to your credit. The death at the hand of the Warthog was very good, but dont be afraid to give us more detail. Like the others have said, good concept, but give us MORE, man, give us more!
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.

[Nick Kang]

Not bad, if I do say so myself. The Ghost on Ghost fight was a bit dry, almost boring-like, but did little to hinder the actual story. And when he was getting shot up by the 'Hog, it sounded like he was just standing there attracting the bullets. If he was just standing there, you better change your tactics next time around.
Overall, I liked it a lot. But I did find it somewhat unlikely that the Reds could jack the Blue Banshee without anyone noticing. This might just inspire me to write my own multiplayer fic...
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

[MC's Cousin]

Original? Nope. I came up with this concept last year. Late summer, actually. After the episode of SG-1 came out with the whole "Teal'c trapped in chair" thing, I thought that a good way to incorporate MultiPlayer into reality would be to make it training. Now, for mine, it was not real. It was a video game - but I still didn't have respawns. So, this is the first time someone has linked things like this, but I still had the idea first .

That was one thing that threw me off: Respawns. They are used in the game to keep things going longer. People usually don't want to just die once and be done with things. Besides, everyone will die in a game (or should) as they are not invinsible.
So, I would remove that. It is a concept that has no use or practicality in training. Why not like something if you have the opportunity to come back and try again? Keep that in mind.

In writing, don't use things like "aka." That is something that you can use in casual conversation on the web, or in real conversation, but is not something you use in real writing. Not in a story. It looks unprofessional.
Same goes for parentheses. Don't do stuff like "HUD (Heads-Up-Display)", instead explain, like "he glanced over the readings of his heads-up display..." and then abbreviate it later.
So, avoid those kinds of things, if you will.

Spell out those minor numbers. Like "Mark-13" should be "Mark-XIII". It just looks better in Roman numerals.

Those kinds of things (the stuff in his HUD) are advantages if used properly. It would have been good to mention that. For instance, I have a friend that I play with occasionally that might as well not have a motion tracker on his screen. When I first played with my other friends, they didn't ever look at their ammo-counter. And so on. While they do have it, and most likely are trained to use it, what I mentioned would be good to keep in mind. You can't watch everything at one time, either.

Now, about your technology. You said he had Mark-XIII armor. Well, the way you described everything else, the tech had not changed. And this is like a hundred years later. Make sure you have things remain consistent.

In dialogue, avoid doing things like "Buuurrrrrrnnnnn!!!". Emphasize the way something is said through description, not through lengthening the word into something non-existant.

That combat did go by a little quickly. Also, it sounded like as your character boosted past the other Ghost, his opposition just did nothing. Make sure not to make your character sound supremely better than the others. Further, since you are using "real" Spartans in this, they do have training. Thus, they thing strategically and with tactically. Display that in their actions.


Overall, this was pretty good. But, as you can see, this could use some improvement. So, listen to what folks here have posted, and work to improve. Good luck.
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-MCC

[thorn]

I liked it alot, It describes usually what happens in a neutral bomb game on gulch.

[MC's Cousin]