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A fragmented tale...

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 4:16 pm    Post subject: A fragmented tale... Reply with quote

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A fragmented tale...
Posted by Chanly Smann (thecambodian@msn.com)
3 February 2005, 9:26 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=chanly_smann.0203052126451.html
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
Posts: 300
Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okaay..... Pretty good.
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Concerned
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Joined: 09 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 8:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent. I love time/paradox Quantum entanglement peices.
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Covie_Lover
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Joined: 07 Aug 2004
Posts: 280

PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 9:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Has a seizure*

5/10
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 3:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Way too many "...", and the lack of formatting. The story didn't present itself as it should.

Put more time into it and it would stand out, but right now, it's just a mess of words typed up on the computer with lots of grammar, spelling, and punctuation mistakes. I would've liked it more if you had gone over your story a couple more times, making sure it looked good and didn't contain as many errors as it has now. It seemed as if you just typed it up, came to HBO, and posted it.

Sorry if I seem harsh, but this is how I see it.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 12:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Could have used the Code. It would have made this a lot more formatted, thus giving it a more appealing look. Consider that: Your story has to be appealing for a reader to want to read it.

Next time, avoid all of those triple-periods. It does more to disrupt the text than give it a distinct feel. You can create a slow-paced mood if you just format your sentenses and paragraphs properly. Do that instead next time. It will make things better.

Always remember to cap those proper nouns. It is more important than it sounds. Not to mention that it is a whole lot more professional.

As interesting a concept this is, it did not strike me as fitting with Fred. Now, since the books do not allude too much to his inner-thoughts, we will never know, but it still doesn't seem to be the Fred I have come to know. Still, it was an interesting idea.
Your plot actually has a lot of potential. It was an interesting thing to introduce. Though, it could have been done better; more smoothly and more thoroughly. Work on that.


Overall, this was all right, but it could have used improvement. You seem to be creative, and that is good; but you must learn to up your writing ability to properly convey your ideas. So, work to improve using the advice you are given. Good luck, and have fun.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Sound effects: A door is slammed.]

[Action: Dave strides in, looking very annoyed. He sits, but says nothing. Eventually, he takes a sandwitch from his backpack, starts eating, and then starts speaking through mouthfuls.]

Okay. *CHOMP CHOMP* Your *CHEW CHEW* story *MUNCH MUNCH* is *CRUNCH CHEW* really *CHOMP* incoherent *MUNCH SWALLOW*

[Action: Dave puts his sandwitch down on a plate, and clears his throat.]

Okay, how easy was it to follow that? Not very.

I know you did this intentionally, but it's way too hard to follow. You're going to need to use real grammar and real spelling. You've got to proofread.

The object of writing isn't to confuse your reader.

Now, I don't mean to be an ass, but you can't use "..."'s to cover up mistakes like that.

Take a look at Master Chef's Bar and Grill - the series I'm currently involved in. Now take a look at Sterfrye36's "Battle For the Norah." Do you see how we handle this?

I know you can write much better. If I didn't think you could write better, I'd just blindfold myself, stick an "A" on your work without reading it, and then go and read a published book.

You can do better than this. I know you can.

- Dave.
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