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To the Last Man, Prolouge Part 2 (revised edition)

 
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 4:14 pm    Post subject: To the Last Man, Prolouge Part 2 (revised edition) Reply with quote

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To the Last Man, Prolouge Part 2 (revised edition)
Posted by John Gurule, Jr. (d3jsgurule@yahoo.com)
2 February 2005, 1:42 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=john_gurule,.0202050142205.html
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

God loves a man who tries. Well its revised but you still need to work on it more. Now I'm not saying to revise the revise, but please in your next installments do stuff like capiatalizing Marine, and you don't need to underline Column, just italic. But all over I rate it 7/10
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Always remember to cap those proper nouns. It looks a lot more professional, and, on top of that, helps us interpret the writing.

Yeah; you don't have to underline a ship's name. Italics is all that is necessary.

Details. You could have used more of them. You need to describe things in your story to the reader. To do that, you must use details. They are what enable you to convey images and feelings to the reader when reading a story. And both of those things are essential to a good read.

Make your dialogue realistic. It needs to sound human. So, make sure to make it sound like it could and would be coming from a living, breathing human being. That means adding in natural pauses and emotion - things that are included in normal speach. Keep that in mind.

During your battles, keep things well depicted and make sure you keep all the elements covered. I would have liked to believe your battle near the desk was fire-filled, but all you really described was your character limping across the scene. Make sure to remember that the reader does not know anything about your story. You have to tell us everything that we need to know.

Why would the commander of the ship make a jump, but order an evac? It just doesn't make sense. A jump would be made to escape. But, if the people were evacing, they would be left from where the ship was escaping. It just doesn't work. Always keep your decisions making sense. If not, the reader will just not be able to accept what you present.


Overall, this was pretty good, but it needed more of a plot - something that gives the story a purpose. Use the advice you are given, and work your hardest to improve. Have fun with your writing; and good luck.
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John Gurule, Jr.
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah. . . about the evac. I meant to say "All non-flight personnel must evac the ship" but somehow I forgot about it. Well, I'm stuck with it, so I'll try to make it work.
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