HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

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Mist: Chapter 3
Posted by Winters (patpan04@yahoo.com)
1 February 2005, 4:46 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=winters.0201051646574.html

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

It could have used some more detail. There was a lot of dialogue, and that made it go by a tad too fast. You didn't stop to describe or explain much. Try to do that in the future.

Now, speaking of dialogue; I would make an effort to make it more realistic. It sounded more like some high-school kids talking between themselves - not professional Marines. You can have a joking thing with Marines, just have them keep their professionalism.

Those were the two big things that I noticed. So focus on those for now.

Overall, this was pretty good; but, it does need some improvement. So, work with the advice you are given, and make a real effort to improve. Keep it up; good luck and have fun.
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-MCC