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Third Marines, chapter seven- the ship.

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 4:13 pm    Post subject: Third Marines, chapter seven- the ship. Reply with quote

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Third Marines, chapter seven- the ship.
Posted by Andres (
1 February 2005, 3:16 PM
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright. Details. For one, for me, things felt . . . distant. Like I wasn't right there, but instead an observer. There wasn't much environmental detail in there. You want to be careful with your dialogue in these cases - too much will just go to clutter things up and add un-needed material. Second, you were telling, not showing. Don't use passive verbs everywhere; try switching them to active. And don't just explain to us actions - explaining is for backstory or information - describe it to us. That was one of the biggest things I noticed.

Also, about dialogue: Make it more alive. Some of your dialogue had the feeling of, what I like to call, "scripted-ness". It just felt like your characters were reading from a piece of paper, and not saying it from themselves. Add some emotion - more detail. Make your speach sound real.
One thing that could help would be to say it out-loud to yourself. Then, you will see what inflection you put on it, or even if it sounds like something an actual person would normally say. It will make a difference.

Watch your grammar and sentense structure. There were places where you had run-ons or where your flow was just getting bumpy. Keep an eye out for that.
Now, one cure for those two problems would be more proofreading. I know I spoted some small mistakes throughout, which means it was not proofread quite thoroughly enough. Do that; and in the process, see how your story reads - proofreading is not just about finding mistakes.

Always remember to spell out those numbers. Even percentages.
And, cap those proper nouns. I saw several places where you didn't.

I still think the whole Spartan call-signs are off. They just don't fit with how we have seen them refer to eachother in the past. Explain or fix that.

I'm going to assume that that beast was a Hunter. Well, those things do not smile. Watch that kind of thing.

"...two tube Jackhammer launcher, each fired two Fragmentary missiles into..."? Well, an M19 SMM 'Launcher does not fire fragmentary missles (if that is what you refer to). It fires "102 mm shaped charge homing rockets". Of course, if you were just switching the munitions, you should have explained that.

I noticed you had an Elite's shield deflect a 30mm round. No. And Elite's shield can't even take a 25mm Gauss round.

Watch those battle scenes. They started to get hectic and pretty rushed, Try to keep that from happening. You want combat to be smooth and easy to follow.

Overall, this was pretty good, but it could still use some improvement. Work on what you are told to - work to improve where-ever you can. Have fun, and good luck.
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