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Chronicles of the Sword

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 4:13 pm    Post subject: Chronicles of the Sword Reply with quote

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Chronicles of the Sword
Posted by Forerunner's Advocate (sttrooper87100@yahoo.com)
31 January 2005, 10:53 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=forerunners_.0131052253321.html
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Recent Flood Victim
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Location: A place where Rednecks run wild, and liberals are prey

PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 5:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story, very good. My only gripe some grammer mistakes and the fact it took so long before we figured out it was in the Halo universe, but all over it was done well. 8/10
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ya, I figured that it would kinda erk some people that it took so long. I just didn't want to rush things.

I got some personal tips from MCC and he said it would be best not to rush it and to be careful about jumping the story into overdrive so soon.

-Caleb Surprised
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sorry about the double post


Can someone tell me how to center my words. I tried to use spaces to do it with Exodis IV but aparently it didn't work.... Confused
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 11:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To center words? Well, you could do what Dave does: use indents. They do build up. But, I would suggest having it just left of center. Some people have small monitors and such.

Anyway.

I saw some mistakes here and there. Stuff that could have been weeded out had you proofread a few more times. For some reason, I got the feeling that you didn't spend as long as you could have on this. It would have made it better.

Flow. Your details were pretty good; but the writing lacked a high amount of flow to bring it all together. It sounded slightly glitchy. So, watch your wording, and tune up your sentense structure. For instance, use some commas. There were places that I read the dialogue to myself, and found my voice rushing through it without some punctuation to slow it up. Work on that for us.

Characters. They need more development. You did get into them, but, there were minute things you could have done. And in some places you seemed to just kind of let a subject fade out - and ones that could have been taken to something substantial, that could lead to a conflict later. Like, you seemed to be getting into your Justin character, conveying some of his inner . . . dark side, I suppose; but then, you just stopped. One part of that would be transitions. Don't make them so sudden - lead us into them, from one place to the other or one thought process to the other.
So, when doing those narratives, throw in a little more. This was your first chapter, so you want to get as much across to us as you can with what you have. If it is characters that you are focusing on, then tell us about them.
For instance, and something else that needed work, you could have done more to describe your characters physically. (As well as describe your settings more as well.) All we knew about Caleb was that he had hair that was long enough to touch his chin. I don't even remember physicals of Justin, and Whitney has ocean-blue eyes and long-ish blond hair. Highth, complection, muscular/skinny/fat, voice, clothing; all stuff you should focus on. And be careful - I noticed you described more with you main character - not to over focus one character. Then it seems like everyone else is just there to compliment him. Make all of your characters seem like real people; and that means they all have personalities, a life, fears, wants, likes, abilities, strengths, weaknesses, everything. Keep that in mind. It will make a story richer and fuller if you have a more indepth plot going. The more branches on your tree, the more leaves you can have (if that didn't make sense, just ask). Just leave things their space.


Overall, this was pretty good for a start of your series, and I see you did use most of the suggestions I gave you. Shows you listen and that you have initiative; I like that, so keep that up. But futher, keep working to improve your writing. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks! I will try to do waht you said. With my next chapter i will try to really get you into the characters.

The story will get deeper too.

That is all for now.... Wink
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