HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Scavenger Chapter Two: Into the Darkness
Posted by WONDERLIBERTARIAN (wonderlibertarian@yahoo.com)
31 January 2005, 10:13 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=wonderlibert.0131051013432.html

[sam_fisha]

No problem about hte delay.

Another great story.

[WONDERLIBERTARIAN]

I really worry about this series, especially now that I've set the bar so high with Scavenger.

Also, I am sure you noticed that I cahnged the series title to something that became more appropriate. Delhormee did not especially want to go the whole 'Uprising' route. The delay was caused by having to rework a lot of backstory and so forth.

I was told (at HFS) that the first person was a little strained this time and wasn't nearly as good in Scavenger. I was told this today, and couldn't use it to edit (Tough Love to HFS... I wish they were more of a writing community)

But I do worry severely about the series, and I could keep it on my laptop and edit it forever, but sooner or later I really should start letting it get posted.

So here it is.

[Commander Demitri Wolf]

I read the first paragraph and thought, no. I havn't read the whole chapter (I read the first and it was great) but the Covenant do not have Admirals, I learnt that whne I put Covenant Admirals in my very first chapter of Evolution of Darkness almost five months ago when I had little Halo knowledge. Aside from that when I finnish the story I'll respond again.

[MC's Cousin]

Just as a tip; don't put Author's Notes in your story. Say anything that you have to say here. Most people that read your story will see it. And everyone that will comment on it certainly will (or at least should).

Yeah; that "Admirals" thing really took me out of the Covenant thing. They don't have them. Sure, they have the equivalent of them, but they are not referred to as such. They use stuff like Ship Master. Beyond that, things are up to you. I have seen much speculation and experimentation into different ranks. Like Squad Master and Fleet Master. But, don't use Human ranks with Covenant characters.

Watch that sentence structure. You had some run-ons in there. I saw whole paragraphs that were composed of just one continual sentence. Keep an eye out for that kind of thing.
Flow, too. Your story could have been touched up in that respect. Remember, when proofreading, don't just look for mistakes; it is for improving your story as well.

I thought the way in which you had your main character interact with others was interesting. Now, I suppose you were able to display such a lack of up-front respect because your guy was a "civilian." Even so, I would expect, seeing as how the Covenant are structured and such, that they would still not put up with such things.
Speaking of that, try to up the level of "Covenant-ness" in your story. Make them sound less human not only in their physical appearance, but in their speech.


Overall, this was pretty good. I liked it. I fair continuation. But, it does need some improvement; so follow the advice you have been given. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC

[russ687]

Pretty late here, but who cares?

I liked it a lot, and the descriptions, though puzzling at times, were pretty good. Your portrayel of the Covenant, and your Elite, are very good, because it seems rather odd to me (how could I find an alien mentality easy to relate to?). Great job.

Nice addition to the series. I'm keeping on eye on this.

-Russ

[WONDERLIBERTARIAN]

The Admirals thing... was in Scavenger too, but I'll fix it for the next one.

Now, a note about the language, I apologize for a lack of Covenantness in the others, they should probably be more chuck full of religious overtones, but as for Delhormee.

Delhormee is intended as a more 'human' elite, one who does not think so much in the terms of honor and so forth, but in terms of material goods. (As such he had a job without honor, and one that was almost outright against the Covenant religion, but which paid well) And as such the humans fascinate him. His linguistic choices are intended to reflect such.

Now, there is an inevitable problem with a series when one writes in the manner that I do. I require a deus ex machina for one of my plots, and to construct such is causing me no small measure of worry, some have been passed up as implausable or unworkable, a plausable and workable one is still in the works. I ought to outline rather than just go at it. I've known this for a long time, nothing's changed.

So the next section is awaiting such a thing, so it may take a while.

Also... I want it to be less crappy than this one.

More super like.