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Both Sides Ch. 1(Redux)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:05 am    Post subject: Both Sides Ch. 1(Redux) Reply with quote

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Both Sides Ch. 1(Redux)
Posted by Wiley Kimball (darktemplar343@aol.com)
28 January 2005, 2:57 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=wiley_kimbal.0128050257282.html
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Wiley K.
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Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 4:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, yes....Both Sides. Some of you might remember it started over the summer last year with chapter one....and thats it. I was writing up to chapter 3, when I realized that the plot was going nowhere. Now, I've decided to give it another try.

You'll notice the first 3/4 is the same, with only the ending changing.

Comments appreciated
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good.

Looks like intel screwed up. Hee hee.
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Wiley K.
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Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man what a cool story with only one comment...thanks guys
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Wiley K.
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Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 11:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

w00t!

One comment!

My story is the 1337n355!1!!1one1!!!!!two!

Seriously, SOMEONE else comment..please?

I have pie
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I have pie


Hand over the pie and nobody gets hurt.



But anyway I heard some people are having trouble getting into the fanfics again, maybe thats why.
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 4:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well your fic has one more posters than one of mine does so consider yourself lucky.
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 2:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I would suggest you seperate your paragraphs a lot more, they were kinda bulky.
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SYSTEM
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going to print this off and read it then. I'll get back to you once I'm finished.

Geez, that pile of computer printouts is getting a little - tall...

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 5:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Make sure to always spell out those minor numbers. Even though "500" is large, it is still simple to write: "five-hundred".

That was a pretty good concept of Tokyo. Nice futuristic sounding thing. Although, I suppose I was expecting something like Taris (from KOTOR I). Oh well. Though, I thought that through that whole description you could have done more describing. Could have set the mood more strongly.

There was a little repdetiveness and some small flow issues here and there. However, it did not hurt you too badly. It seemed to be more a part of the style you employed than a problem. It reminded me of Eric Nylunds style: Straight forward and sometimes clipped sentenses. Still, smooth things over just a tad, if you would.

Interesting ending. Though, it did go by a little quickly. Reminded me of something out of Splinter Cell. Hmm.


Overall, this was pretty good. It didn't seem to have deep roots - but, of course, this is the first chapter, so I will wait and see. I enjoyed the whole of it, and look forward to future chapters. Still, work to improve yourself; I want to see the best from you. Keep up the good work.
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woot! Splinet Cell!

But yeah, you could have spelled out five hundred. And such. I await the next chapter.
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thedarkfire
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Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Anal-retentive mouth-breather...Wouldn't want to be stuck in an elevator with him.


That, my friend came right out of Splinter Cell. I hope you did that purposfully cause I know you could have had a little better dossier than that.

I do remember this story and was itching for more before you dropped it.

O well, I like this ending better anyway.
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Wiley K.
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Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 8:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hah, yea thedarkfire...I pulled it on purpous. It's funny.

And MCC: Thanks for the comments, especially about style. I'm just kinda playing around with a new one, heavily inspired by Cowboy Bebop with a little Splinter Cell thrown in here and there for good measure.


The first few chapters are just sorta setting up a base for these guys. So I can refine their personalities and such. And of course this will have something to do with the story...it's a bit ambitious...one of the more challenging ones to get right. Should(Hopefully) be a good long series, probably around twenty-something chapters. Hopefully the plot will go somewhere.

Also, I'm finishing up the third chapter of the Cleansing as I type this. Expect ch.2 of this and Three of the Cleansing in either next update or the one after.

Thanks to all who commented. I'll eagerly await yours, Dave
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OpeningAct
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 8:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes..... I do remember this.....I think. It was very good, and your image of Tokyo was a impressive one; it painted a real picture in my mind.

Overall it was good, keep it up. I await the next parts in this series and the Cleansing.
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