HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Both Sides Ch. 1(Redux)
Posted by Wiley Kimball (darktemplar343@aol.com)
28 January 2005, 2:57 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=wiley_kimbal.0128050257282.html

[Wiley K.]

Ah, yes....Both Sides. Some of you might remember it started over the summer last year with chapter one....and thats it. I was writing up to chapter 3, when I realized that the plot was going nowhere. Now, I've decided to give it another try.

You'll notice the first 3/4 is the same, with only the ending changing.

Comments appreciated

[sam_fisha]

Pretty good.

Looks like intel screwed up. Hee hee.

[Wiley K.]

Man what a cool story with only one comment...thanks guys

[Wiley K.]

w00t!

One comment!

My story is the 1337n355!1!!1one1!!!!!two!

Seriously, SOMEONE else comment..please?

I have pie

[sam_fisha]

[sam_fisha]

Well your fic has one more posters than one of mine does so consider yourself lucky.

[sam_fisha]

Well I would suggest you seperate your paragraphs a lot more, they were kinda bulky.

[SYSTEM]

I'm going to print this off and read it then. I'll get back to you once I'm finished.

Geez, that pile of computer printouts is getting a little - tall...

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[MC's Cousin]

Make sure to always spell out those minor numbers. Even though "500" is large, it is still simple to write: "five-hundred".

That was a pretty good concept of Tokyo. Nice futuristic sounding thing. Although, I suppose I was expecting something like Taris (from KOTOR I). Oh well. Though, I thought that through that whole description you could have done more describing. Could have set the mood more strongly.

There was a little repdetiveness and some small flow issues here and there. However, it did not hurt you too badly. It seemed to be more a part of the style you employed than a problem. It reminded me of Eric Nylunds style: Straight forward and sometimes clipped sentenses. Still, smooth things over just a tad, if you would.

Interesting ending. Though, it did go by a little quickly. Reminded me of something out of Splinter Cell. Hmm.


Overall, this was pretty good. It didn't seem to have deep roots - but, of course, this is the first chapter, so I will wait and see. I enjoyed the whole of it, and look forward to future chapters. Still, work to improve yourself; I want to see the best from you. Keep up the good work.
_________________
-MCC

[sam_fisha]

Woot! Splinet Cell!

But yeah, you could have spelled out five hundred. And such. I await the next chapter.

[thedarkfire]

[Wiley K.]

Hah, yea thedarkfire...I pulled it on purpous. It's funny.

And MCC: Thanks for the comments, especially about style. I'm just kinda playing around with a new one, heavily inspired by Cowboy Bebop with a little Splinter Cell thrown in here and there for good measure.


The first few chapters are just sorta setting up a base for these guys. So I can refine their personalities and such. And of course this will have something to do with the story...it's a bit ambitious...one of the more challenging ones to get right. Should(Hopefully) be a good long series, probably around twenty-something chapters. Hopefully the plot will go somewhere.

Also, I'm finishing up the third chapter of the Cleansing as I type this. Expect ch.2 of this and Three of the Cleansing in either next update or the one after.

Thanks to all who commented. I'll eagerly await yours, Dave

[OpeningAct]

Yes..... I do remember this.....I think. It was very good, and your image of Tokyo was a impressive one; it painted a real picture in my mind.

Overall it was good, keep it up. I await the next parts in this series and the Cleansing.