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The Priestess and the Warrior - Only the First Temptation
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:04 am    Post subject: The Priestess and the Warrior - Only the First Temptation Reply with quote

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The Priestess and the Warrior - Only the First Temptation
Posted by Jillybean (jbean_gotmuse@yahoo.co.uk)
27 January 2005, 4:49 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jillybean.0127051649157.html
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Jillybean
Darth Diva


Joined: 17 Dec 2004
Posts: 299

PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First!

Ahhh - yeah. Proof reading bad. For some reason, as I was skimming over this, I thought - "Hey, that should be the Age of Reconciliation" and changed all the ages from Reclamation to Reconciliation.
My bad Very Happy
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Berconius
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 3:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I've never seen anything "sarrowheadhaped".

But it was still fun. Killing off 'Arumaa in that way was definitely satisfying to read.

No injured/ill hatchlings sticking goo to Orna? Darn. Very Happy
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Sparrowheadshape"? Interesting. I would have used something different, but, oh well. Try to tell us a brief bit about the ship, though. I can't remember being told more than its capabilities.

Details. You were good with them, but it would have done you well to have used more environmentla ones to set the mood more deeply. For isntance, when you were talking about the quietness of the ship weighing in on them, a bit about the setting could have enhanced the feeling.
That, among some other places, was just a case of leaning towards telling us instead of showing us. Watch that.
Emotional as well. You could have really made things intense for the reader with a few more emotional/mental state relating details.

Watch your flow as well. There were a couple places where it was just ever so slightly repedetive, or could have used better wording. Keep an eye out for that.
Some of it may have been that you had many small-ish bits. Because of that, the transitions may have pulled on the story a bit. Try not to let that happen.

I did notice a few small mistakes here and there. So do keep and eye out for that kind of thing. Like you did mention, proofreading could have helped you out.


Overall, I loved it. A good addition to this series. And it is developing; growing well. Keep up the marvelous work. I enjoy every moment of it.
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Environmentla? Well I guess that spelling isn't all that important in post anyway. I like to find a flaw in someone so much better that me,(the fact that is just one finger moving a quarter of a second faster kinda makes me think that I am an a-hole...)

Sorry MCC I only wish to be as good as you but alas I will never be *Caleb hastily wipes the brown from his nose* Wink

As for the story Jilly, well I loved every minute of reading it. It was brilliant. Cool
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've said this before, but: I do not tend to put much effort or emphasis on my spelling in my posts. Sure, I try to keep things smooth, but if there's a type-o, so be it. Doesn't bother me; as long as what I was trying to say is still gotten across.

As for finding mistakes in the work of those "better" than you... I still find mistakes with the Halo books. Heck, I've even found mistakes in Clancy's books. Call me picky, I guess.
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Just joking. Don't worry even the greatest of editors miss type-0's Wink
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Jillybean
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Joined: 17 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

See, I actually proof read this chapter, I'm going to stop proofreading, since they seem to have the LEAST mistakes in them.

It's meant to be arrow shaped - I do not know where the head came in, or where the letter mix up happened.
*eyes spellchecker* I'll stop using you too - I noticed you messed up my other fic
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Berconius wrote:
Killing off 'Arumaa in that way was definitely satisfying to read.
This is why I should really try to read the story before the comments.
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Covie_Lover
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Joined: 07 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was not pleased with the way that 'Arumaa died. I felt it was a contradiction of character. 'Fulsamee doesn't stricke me as someone who would do something as sneaky as that. He has always seem to be a person who is very forwand with his actions, so sneaking in to assinate someone doesn't fit him. At least I feel that way.

Also, do not use the term Jackal when refering to Kig-Yar. This seems to be taking place before the humans fought the Covenant, so the word "Jackal" is not in usage yet.

Otherwise pretty good. I felt sorry for 'Arumaa. I don't like seeing anyone that miserable. I guess I just have a soft heart Wink


Well, I'm off to take my Chapple (cherry and apple) pie out of the oven. YUM! Very Happy
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 1:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do not think you can order me what to do in my own story.

In answer to your Jackal/ Kig-Yar question, the other Covenant race names are used to give me an alternative to the one name all the time. Humans have terms like people/ guys/ souls/ bodies/ persons - with the Covies I'm limited.

There is an attitude on this forum that I take issue with. I don't write this shit for you. I appreciate that you all like it so much that you're noticing these errors, and it's jarring you that some parts are shorter than others - but please, think about who you're talking to?

I write for a living, and it's very difficult to come on and read things like "do not use that word"
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhhh... I see.

Well, my comments were meant to be helpful, so if you don't want to listen to me, because it hurts your pride, or whatever, then I will not be posting in your stories anymore. Thats fine with me. Goodbye!
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HELSING
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Joined: 21 Jan 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 4:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's horrible when girls fight. Jilly I think you wrote that just to make me mad, oh well, you're story. I've said it before, I'll say it again, keep the suggestive crap out of these stories, please. It was a good story without that trash, not my style, but you already know that. LordsFire, please start writing more often, same with russ687(to much cussing though).


HELSING
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If I may make a parting comment, however, I wish to help you with your problem. What I think is wrong with you is that you have heard a few to many compliments, and it has gone to your head. You have grown a bit spoiled as of late. You need to cool off a bit. I believe that you should accept the good comments as well as the bad, and not act like an angry child that does not get her way. You are supposed to be 18 years old, if I remember correctly, yet you do not act that way. Perhaps your temper is merely a bad case of PMS, I would understand that, but I don't think I should have to put up with it. Thank you for listening (If you were mature enough not to ignore me).

Have fun writing, and I look forward to your next chapter!
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.
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