HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Third Marines in Harvest: Chapter Five- counter attack
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
26 January 2005, 4:42 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0126051642445.html

sam_fisha · Member Joined: 21 Dec 2004 Posts: 300 Location: A gutter

That was good, longer than most to. Smile

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Hmm. Well, I noticed pretty quick that something about those paragraphs was off. I believe it would be your presentation - meaning your detail and structure. Your flow could have been improved a bit; as could have your explenation. What you did was the difference between showing and telling; you ended up, mainly, telling us. Try to show us instead. It makes things easier to read and conveys what you are trying to get across better.

Hmm. Those Spartan call-signs seemed a little out of place for me. I suppose it is because, from what we have seen, the Spartan teams use stuff like Blue, Red, and Green team; not alternate names. It just didn't sound right - perhaps because it was different.

There were some grammar and spelling errors around, too. Watch that. Proofread things a bit more thoroughly. It will make your story look better overall - give it a clean and perfected feel. More professional.

Spell out those numbers, too. It is smoother, and looks better among other text. Especially if you are gonna use stuff like "niner." "zero-one-niner" looks better than "01-niner."

30mm round? That's pretty big, I hope you know. More like a cannon than a Sniper Rifle. Keep things realistic; else your story will not maintain a hard-edged combative feel.

Make sure to always cap those proper nouns, too. I saw Covie species and "Marine" un-capped all over the place. Clean things up, if you would, for us. Improve things overall.

Overall, it was pretty good, but things went by pretty fast and stuff started to become unclear and cluttered. Work to imrove - as you should always do. Good luck; and have fun.
_________________
-MCC

Andres · Member Joined: 03 Jan 2005 Posts: 151

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I get you fully there. I know and believe that a Spartan could take a 30mm's kick. What I was talking about was practicality. 30mm is 3 whole centimeters; thats this [ --------------- ] big around. Thats over .68 caliber. That's huge!
So, just make sure to explain it a bit - it sounds like a cool weapon, but I'm still not sure if it could be done with a sniper rifle. A regular rifle, maybe, be like a giant shotgun slug.

I have heard of the 20mm project. Where I saw it, it was part of a modular gun. One where the upper barrel system fires the 20mm shells (that are things like HE - with timers/proximity detonators for their explosions and what not) and the lower barrel is just a regular assault rifle. Pretty neat stuff. I can't wait to see it in action.
But, perhaps you were talking about something else? If so, please direct me to a web page or article elsewhere. Sounds like it would be worth my interest.
_________________
-MCC

SYSTEM · Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 4:27 pm Post subject:

Well, everything's on a pretty large scale here. I guess it all depends.

Andres, it's good to see you again.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Andres · Member Joined: 03 Jan 2005 Posts: 151

http://www.fas.org/man/dod-101/sys/land/ocsw.htm

Two men operating the thing, must be good against old BMPs with DU ammunition.

Anyway, 30mm APFSDS like on the Spanish pizarro is deadly acurate (I know its an IFV, but, well), in 300 years from now 30mm should be amazing, specially with guys like your cousing around.

SYSTEM · Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 5:04 pm Post subject:

Hmm. Andres has got a point.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Andres · Member Joined: 03 Jan 2005 Posts: 151

Yes, I think I do make one. With a good sight (with digital zoom just like the CITV of the M-1A2 SEP) you should be able to hit targets more than 2500m away.

Andres · Member Joined: 03 Jan 2005 Posts: 151

Oh,

and yes I need to improve allot.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Coolio. I'll bookmark that and check it out a little later. But, I do agree with that you have presented. Sounds feezable. Though, as you did say also, it would have one hell of a kick-back. Probly be a bastard to fire - except for a Spartan; but I would expect it to maybe dent his shields a notch. Be like firing an un-mounted Gauss Cannon (and that is only 25 mm!); except a Gauss (or "Mini-MAC" as I call it [that's an MCC copyrighted term, by the way]) used magnets, so it doesn't have, literally, explosive kick-back.

Anyway, enough of my rambling.
_________________
-MCC

Andres · Member Joined: 03 Jan 2005 Posts: 151

How do MAC rounds work by the way?

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

A Magnetic Acceleration Cannon works by accelerating a projectile (the type of which may vary) up to super-high-velocities, by use of linear acceleration coils (Gauss coils - by the way; hence the name "Gauss Gun" on the Warthog in Halo 2).
A charge is built up in a series of capacitors, and then is released into the coils; repelling the large round towards its target. It is like a rail-gun. Except much bigger.

Does that help? PM me for specifics. I love science.
_________________
-MCC

Caleb the Jackal · Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 6:19 pm Post subject:

I think it is totaly feasable. Remember five-hundred years in the future and Spartan. That is just my point of view.

Good story. Be sure to listen to MCC and Dave. They both gave good tips so I won't. (can't think of anything more that is)

Well... Keep writing. Looking forward to more from you.

Caleb

SYSTEM · Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 10:50 pm Post subject:

Well, for a MAC cannon, I built an experimental magnetic accelerator - and it was incredibly simple - I'm trying to build one for a Ball bearing gun. But it can only increase velocity - it can't start it. But it's too small and inefficient for any practical sense. But Magnetic acceleration technology exists in atomsmashers. But it requires miles of looping around an accelerator ring in order to work.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.