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Out of the fire into the inferno.(part two)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 12:52 pm    Post subject: Out of the fire into the inferno.(part two) Reply with quote

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Out of the fire into the inferno.(part two)
Posted by KAMIKAZE343 (singne1@yahoo.com)
25 January 2005, 7:38 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kamikaze343.0125051938482.html
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's a resource here at HBO fan fiction that I think you need to utilize: the other established writers. They can help you with the spelling, tense, and flow that your story lacks. They'll also put you on the right track to make your story compelling.

Good stories that get posted here will pull you in by means of the characters. Action is fine, and Covies getting shot is fine, but it's a drop in the bucket if I dont care about your main characters. Helljumper's stuff is a good example, Russ687's stuff is a good example, and Jillybean so far has put in a ton of work on her characters.

I'll point you in the direction of one of the best editors in the biz: Dave Luck. PM him, show him your story, and listen to what he has to say. If you want to post more stories here and gain a good following, your sentences have to be clearer, your dialouge has to be smoother, and your transitions have to be marked with code at least.

This story can go places, I'm sure of it, but the characters are going to drive this one, not the action.

Good luck, man. I'll be watching with interest.
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Ark Night
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wouldnt be, out of the frying pan into the fire? Oh shit... Nvm!!!
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 3:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Out of fire into inferno is like double of frying oan into fire.

Anyway I have to be frank here.

Frank: Your story was littered with spelling errors, you used "Threw" as "through" twice, this is bad. Also you forgot to cap your proper nouns, always cap your proper nouns, Elite, Covenant, Sergeant, Corporal, its just what you have to do.

With your location stamps like during a transision use bolds or italics to show its a place or time stamp.

Your talking was muich better this time. Good job on that.

But all in all your story was small, plot wise, I hope you will fix this in the next istalment. Gj and GL
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 3:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

post script:

I'm here to remind you to cap your proper nouns again. Elite. Covenant. Marine. Corporal. Master Chief.

Remember, it will be a cold day on the hills of Hell before I stop my crusade against the uncapped proper nouns.
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Crusade on, my friend!
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ark Night wrote:
Wouldnt be, out of the frying pan into the fire? Oh shit... Nvm!!!
Hence the name 'Ark the Dumbass'.
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 5:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Kamakazi, listen up. Often times the estabolished authors and forumers will suggest reading as an example to help your story, heres my suggestion:

Starship Troopers, by Robert A. Heinlein. A very good book, don't confuse it with the movie, it has a good plot and some good squad based combat. Try to get it at a library or Amazon or something, I don't care. Pick up a few pointer from it. Smile

Don't get me wrong, I like the movie, but the book has more time for plot.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 3:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azrael; aren't you forgetting someone? Wink Just kidding. You don't have to mention me . . . because I mention myself.

Anyway.

The Code. Use it. For one, it will just help the overall look of your story with the improved formatting. Second, it can even make your story more easy to understand with proper use. Click the link in my sig, or check it out the next time you are using the submission form.

Make sure you use punctuation for that dialogue. You have to end each quotation with punctuation, and, if it is a continuation of your sentense, use punctuation between quoted and non-quoted material.

Yes; capatalizing those proper nouns is very important. Not only is it more professional, but it also lets the reader know that your proper nouns are not just other random words in the sentense. Species, weapons, names, vehicles, etc. All of that needs to be initial capped.

Dialogue. Make things more human. You had dialogue that I like to call "scripted." Meaning that it sounds like it was read off of a script. In a story, like a good actor, you must make your reader not only hear the speach, but feel it. Use emotion and human phrases and vocal habits to make converstation feel more real - to put the reader there.

On a similar subject, you should also work on improving your details. Throughout your story, you simply told us what was there; when you should have been showing us your story. To do this, you must use well crafted descriptions, and smooth informative explanations. Else, a story gets drab and boring sounding - then readers begin to loose interest.

Concerning interest of the reader; well, it does not have to be captured by simply action. I have read many a good story that had little action in it at all. And when there was, it was well described, well developed, and not confusing in the slightest. It was used as an element of the story; not the story was used to tell the action. There is a big difference; you should learn to discern between them.

Try not to take things from the books, either. That whole spider-web of Lotus mines was pulled right from the Prologue of tFoR. Part of being a good author is being creative. If you do not make up new things, create brand new material for your own use, a story will quickly loose steam.

Your plot should have been larger, too. Sure, Marines fighting and dying is all well and good, but where is the back story? Why are they there? How did they get there? What are they doing, exactly? All of these things are things to consider when writing your story. Because you have to get those things across to the reader.

Proofreading could have greatly helped you out. I saw a bunch of small mistakes throughout. You should read through your story before you post it. That way, you pick up a lot of those mistakes, and give yourself the time to develop your story. Without this time, your story will be flat, and look very non-perfected. What you want is a story that looks well fleshed out, and as professional as possible.


Overall, this was decent, but it could have been improved quite a bit. Work to improve using all the advice you are given. Good luck; and have fun.
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