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A New Breed of Spartan: Chapter 3- Into the Darkness

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 12:51 pm    Post subject: A New Breed of Spartan: Chapter 3- Into the Darkness Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

A New Breed of Spartan: Chapter 3- Into the Darkness
Posted by Forerunner's Advocate (sttrooper87100@yahoo.com)
25 January 2005, 4:10 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=forerunners_.0125050410573.html
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Ark Night
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 6:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it!!! Nice detail!!!
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 7:23 pm    Post subject: Thanks... Reply with quote

Thanks! I am glad that you liked the detail. My dad was nagging me to go to bed so i had to make it short and sweet.

(by the way I am having to post on this account because for some reason the site will not accept my username and password on Forerunner's Advocate. So I will make all my replies with this charachter and keep submitting stories under him.)
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Ark Night
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No problem. It's what I'm here for
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LordsFire
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Joined: 28 Dec 2004
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Location: Da U.P.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice. I like the way you are doing this. Only two remarks.

First, I'd reccommend more comma/period type punctiation, some of your sentences really run on.

Second, I like your writing to the point I would request you to write longer segments, so I can appreciate them more...
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm . . . I think I remember this series. Though, do always remember to include subtle reminders of what your story is about for the reader. Believe it ot not (this might come as a shock), most people here don't remember a lot from a previous chapter - especially if it has been a while. Keep that in mind. And good to have you back.

I agree that your sentense structure could use some work. You seemed to drag your sentenses out, and not break them up as they should have been. Plus, when you break them up, you have a little space to fill, and thus can include some details. For instance, at the beginning, you could have told us what terrain the Corporal was taking long strides over.

Dialogue. Instead of using that "..." effect for orders, try a comma or a colon. Unless, that is, you want to portrey your character taking a pause in their speach (caused by stammering, thought, or lack of things to say at that time; among other things).

Always cap those proper nouns. "Marine" being one. I did notice you capped Elite; well, they are a whole species, and are a proper noun, so are members of the UESC.

Work on that flow a bit. This relates back to that run-on problem I mentioned earlier. Make sure you use punctuation properly and in the right places. Also, tune up your sentense structure to make things read as smoothly as possible.
Word choice has a big part of this. Keep every word lending to the placement and use of the next.

I would work on that length, too. Now, if you were to beef up those descriptions, and do a bit more explenation here and there, things would, naturally, be longer. That's one way of doing it.
Another way, and one that is just as viable, is to add more material. Just keep your story going a bit. The only ground you covered in this chapter was up to and into the front of the structure - that is not much. So work on that kind of thing.

Now, I noticed that you mentioned something about your dad making you get off the computer, so you had to cut things short. Well, just save it and wait until later. For one, it will allow you much more time to contemplate your story and plot in your head while you are away from the computer. Also, it will give you more time later to work on the story and put forth the effor that it needs and deserves. Further, it will give you that proofreading time that every author could use.
In your story, little mistakes were not that big of a problem, but they were still present. So, try to sift those out for us. It may all seem like small stuff, but it does add up. And it does so rather quickly if you don't watch out for it.


Overall, this was pertty good. You have a fairly solid foundation in there. Just follow any advice that you get, and don't let the praise lull you into a sense of "I don't have much to do." You will always have a lot to do; and should always keep your skills sharp. Keep it up; and good luck.
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-MCC
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 2:07 am    Post subject: Great Reply with quote

Its cool to see that the great MCC still gives advice to the little guys. I that I got a little into getting that particular chapter out so everyone would know that I am still alive and kicking, so to speak. Thanks for all the great advice.

I promise that the next chapter will be quite a bit longer. I think that is all I really have to say right now... I am going to write the next chapter right now. Wink
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Comon Jackal... Has MCC ever refused to comment on a story? His post count alone should tell you the answer.

Anyway, I kind of skimmed through it. Sorry, I'm a little biased (*cough*alot*cough*). I'm sure you're your story was great, but I noticed nothing about Covenant in it. I really get tired of all the marine-based stories. So, don't take my word for anything I say about this story. I don't even trust myself with it. Anyway, my only comment was it was a bit short. I'm sure you're doing great.

(Stifles an involuntary yawn)

Good luck with the series. Wink
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, I would be interesting to see a story that portrays the Covenant as the heros, not just as main characters (like Jillybean's stories-now don't get me wrong, they are good), "the things that get filled full of bullets by the 'heroic' marines", or even worse, just "the corpses that are lying on the ground." I suppose it will never happen though. I don't think people are open minded about it yet. Or... maybe it has happened, and I missed it. Anyway, that would be nice
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 1:09 pm    Post subject: Cool Reply with quote

Very Happy Man am i glad to hear that someone besides me thinks the covenent are cool. I am working on writing a covenant based story right now where they are the heroes.(i am gonna need help with the names...)

As for the story... Number1- I just want you to know that the Covenant are about to show up making the Marines look like a bunch of whiney babies.

Number 2-There were no heroics on the part of the marines. They just happened to have a broken warthog to take the gun from.

Number 3- Lance got lucky because he was the main character.

Anyway I was just making a little joke about MCC so I hope that he is not offended or anything. I know he posts for everyone on here... Wink
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MasterSushi
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Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brilliant!!!

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

That's how good it is! (It's better in fact, but I don't wanna be spammer or anything.)


P.S. There's a disturbing lack of Dancing Bananas here...
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. A full square of Very Happy's. You must have liked it.
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