HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Force Recon, Scout Sniper Part 5
Posted by Helljumper (Pittklipse@aol.com)
24 January 2005, 3:47 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=helljumper.0124050347435.html

Azrael · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 504 Location: Boston

It's about freaking time!

I thought you were going to be out of the game, man. Glad to see you back. Interesting back story with the captain, and as always, that Ackerson is a slick mother.

Overall it was good, I'm just anxious to see what the situation is like on the planet. Well done, keep 'em coming.
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...now that's some gritty shizzle.

russ687 · Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:44 pm Post subject:

You know what, Helljumper? I just remembered when I was reading this why I bugged you so much about getting this chapter out.

This is excellent.

You're scene descriptions are awesome, and during that flashback I could picture everything. You have the uncanny ability to also portray Ackerson just as I always pictured him, and the reactions to the Colonel by your character is great.

I never thought the Captain of Ackerson's prowler would play a bigger role in this series, so I'm interested to see how this goes. Also, you didn't need blood, guts and gore for this to be good, so don't worry about it. I am, however, looking forward to Deel and Baker and that long rifle they like to carry around. This is going to be great.

Minor things to watch out for was a little punctuation; you missed some commas here and there. And also formatting, as you switched to a double spacing technique/style towards the end of the flashback. Otherwsie, nothing really caught my attention.

Outstanding work, and I'm glad to see you back. Keep it coming.

-Russ

russ687 · Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 6:11 pm Post subject:

Damnit, Az. You beat me by like 10 seconds.

-Russ

Helljumper · Member Joined: 31 Jul 2004 Posts: 298 Location: Pittsburgh

Thanx for the kind words guys. I have a very clear idea of who and what Colonel Ackerson is as a person. A lot of people don't like him, like Chuckles, but i think he is just a very misunderstood person. He has the best interest of the UNSC in mind, just not the best methods (ethical, moral) to reach victory.

Well I'll try not to make you guys wait too long for th next chapter.

ODST

waiting for MCC

Ark Night · Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 8:18 pm Post subject:

Ok, I know this is OT, but HOW THE HELL DO YOU ALL GET THOSE BANNERS?!?!? I want one, but ENS hasn't made my "Ark Is A Dumbass" one. Can somebody PLEASE help me? Oh and I liked the Story.

Helljumper · Member Joined: 31 Jul 2004 Posts: 298 Location: Pittsburgh

Got mine from Guardian, Shout out to Guardian you are the man.

ODST

SeverianofUrth · Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:18 pm Post subject:

I forgot why I loved the series so much... until now.

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:39 pm Post subject:

Ark, ask Guardian. Please.

Helljumper, it was a good story, but I noticed that it seems that Kara was recently promoted to Captain by joining with Ackerson. That is technially wrong in it's own sort, but I guess that NI does have the ability to do that. Unless he filled out reports and a recommendation. It doesn't seem that Ackerson is on the Chiefs of Staff.

Least that was my CO told me. Don't know much about that.

thedarkfire · Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 10:48 pm Post subject:

Damn good Helljumper. And about time too! Your integration of the Captain makes it more of story about Ackerson, but I hope it will still focus on the sniper(name eludes me and I'm too lazy to check).

Ark Night · Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 10:58 pm Post subject:

Um... Who is Guardian? and is that the account name for HBO?

teemas · Member Joined: 26 Dec 2004 Posts: 9

Damn Helljumper. Its me teemus. I guess you can say the wait was worth it. I loved the descriptions in the flashback, made me feel like I was there watching. Keep it up, looking forward to the next one.

Chuckles · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:53 am Post subject:

monitor101 · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 107 Location: Burbank

LOL Me and me friends are making a movie called Force Recon, good story by the way.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Just make sure it's good, monitor.

Well, Hell, I was wondering when you would ever post something again. Good to see you out on the playing field.

I might or might not get time to read the begginings of this. I may already have, and it does seem familiar; however, I read so many stories here that I can forget important details if I am not careful.

Little stuff mostly. Like, when yous said the navigator replied, it would have been better had you put quotations around it. Made it look like something he said.

In that flashback, there were a few issues with flow and repedetiveness; here and there. So, keep a big eye out for that kind of thing.
I'm not all too sure how much you proofread this, but, do so as much as you have time to. You know as much as I how some good proofreading can take a story to the next level.

Watch those transitions, too. You could have made the ending one a bit smoother.

Overall, this was pretty damned good. I will enjoy your next chapter. Just smooth things out a bit - I'm guessing you may have to scrub some rust off. Good luck with it; and keep up the good work.
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-MCC