HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

Halo 3: The Ark, Chapter 2- A Legacy Desecrated
Posted by FOrunnER (raiderjake74@yahoo.com)
23 January 2005, 8:36 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=forunner.0123050836352.html

[Covie_Lover]

Oh dear... The Mausoleum is..gone? I liked that place! Grrrrr...

Well I guess it does sort of make sense...

Though I don't recall the order to exterminate the Sangheili... I thought they were just dishonored, or something..

[FOrunnER]

Well Truth did order Tartarus to murder the Arbiter, and he says in the same cutscene 'a bloody fate awaits (you and) the rest of your incompetent race'. They never really say it in plain black and white, but peicing those two tidbits together I think it is safe to assume that the Brutes initiated the civil war under the order of the Prophets, although I could be wrong.

Glad that you liked the story anyway.

[Covie_Lover]

Well, Tartarus is, er, was a scumbag, so he may have been lying...

Say, a little of the subject, but what the heck was that glowing energy field thingy that surrounded Tartarus in the last battle and made him invulnerable?!

Cause I want one!

[FOrunnER]

He could have been, but somehow I don't think so.

And I'm pretty sure they glowy thing around Tartarus was a super-strong energy sheild. Probably came in a set with the big hammer-thing, I REALLY wanted to use one of those.

[Covie_Lover]

You know, I really liked the detail in your story. It was kind of Brute-ish to think of that head-and-spine remains as a staff. That would really piss off the Sangheili.

Wouldn't it suck to be and Arbiter though? You're already basically despised by everyone else, and your just trying to get one last gasp of honor back before you die.

Oh, and if you don't die, everyone hates you even more. Boo-Yah! Sounds like fun! (NOT)

[sam_fisha]

I would have used it as a staff, hee hee, exellently evil.

Anywho use a spellcheck a bit more, I saw a few that word would have warned you about.

Otherwise good job.

[Covie_Lover]

Gosh dang it, your story provoked a powerful response from me. Most stories don't do that. That response was: indignity. I was horrified by what they did to the Mausoleum! Grrr... I'm going to kill extra brutes, and extra painfully next time I play Halo 2. I've never liked those Jiralhanae anyway (incase you ever wonder how I remember how to spell those Covenant names, I have the "Conversations from the Universe" booklet on my desk).

Anyway, I don't think that jsut because Master Cheif is a plot character and can't die, that all the Sangheili should be punished for it. Hummph. Grrr...

Dang I"m pissed.

[Wiley K.]

-"what is this? What is this? This better be really fat finger or else I am -going to KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS!")"

I liked that

Only one thing I had a problem with: The Flood had been all over High Charity even before the ship had left. The Brutes should have at least come under attack....

Saw places where you used "There" instead of "Their", and that bugged me..

Overall: 7.5/10

[Covie_Lover]

[HoZ]

that was great

[MC's Cousin]

You know, in my personal writings, I had one of the "bad guys" grab a human soldier from behind [on his neck], and then proceed to separate the atlas vertebra from the base of the skull, and rip the rest out of the guy's back. Then he leaves it there to piss off the guys who find the whole scene. Kinda creepy. But, fun.
In your case, it kind goes with the Elite skull on Tartarus's shoulder pauldron.

Try to avoid those ANs. Doesn't fit into the story.

There were some small mistakes here and there. Just grammar or spelling or punctuation. So, watch out for that kind of thing.
Proofread more; if you would. I know that would help; and I want to see the best from everyone around here. The mistakes were so minor, that you should have been able to catch them with just a couple run-throughs.

I thought that as an alternate kind of thing, it would have been interesting had you suddenly had the Flood creep in. I mean, think about it: all those former Arbiters (the ones that were intact, anyway) getting infected. I thought it was a cool idea.

Now, also speaking of the Flood, I find it interesting how you make little reference of them. It's like they are minorly infecting the place. And we know that they are majorly infecting the place. From what we saw from MC's PoV, anyway - in the game, at least.
Of course, you did make that reference to it; but I would have thought the presence much more profound at that point. It was already spreading past those places when MC left. So, that kind of threw me off.

I found the reference to "ass" with the Arbiter out of place. It sounded too human when it should have held [I think] a distinctive alien feel. Avoid that kind of thing, if you would.
Also, though you would be bold to venture there, you might try adding more of an emotional and mental aspect to when you are using the Arbiter. Just makes things more intense, and more thrilling to read.
Further; instead of "no effect at all" from the plasma bolts ('cause I know you have been forced to take flood on with but a plasma weapon), you should have phrased it like the flesh was melting away, but still it kep going. I thought it would have been better.


Overall, this was pretty good. I liked the feel of it. Could have used a bit more explanation and description; but it was still all right. Just work on those minor things I was talking about. Keep up the good work.
_________________
-MCC

[FOrunnER]