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Battles of the Immersing Light

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 4:11 pm    Post subject: Battles of the Immersing Light Reply with quote

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Battles of the Immersing Light
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
23 January 2005, 8:16 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.0123050816027.html
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can anyone post a comment. Especiially you A Halo Fan....Natic. Because I am not sure if this story was up to it.

Please give me any type of comments. Thanks. I also hoped you enjoyed the story.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh crap! Sorry, I overlooked this one. I might not be able to post a comment on the story itself right now. I might get to it tommorrow. But yeah, I helped you a lot on this. How many times did I make you work it over? Three? Five? Anyways, I'll read what I can now, then get to writing a comment later.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 6:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok Thanks. Man, atleast someone, well not someone. I am going to use a Pronoun, well, not realy again but at least he's a person. A Halo Fan...Natic got a glipse of the story title. I wish you all do that same too. Thanks. Mark.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 10:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to see something out by you, Mark.

Just as a tip, that others will tell you about too, just, generally, try to avoid Author's Notes. Major thank-you's are okay, but other stuff the is more general and looks like it belongs in a conversation, post here.
Also, something that should be avoided - and was present in your AN - was an explanation of plot. You told us some of what you are gonna do. Bad idea. Then you take away one of your most valued intruments: mystery of the unknown.

Make sure to always cap those proper nouns. In noticed that "Marine" was not. And that is something that needs to be. So, remember to do that.

Watch those sentenses. I saw some places where you were gettign wordy, and having your sentenses run-on. Try to avoid that. Make your grammar the best that it can be. The better a story reads and looks, the more people will like it and enjoy what they read.

Also, when describing intial things, try to avoid cliche statements. The whole thing about serving humanity is used so often to describe Marines in fics that, after a while, it can get old. If used in the right moments, it has useful applications, but do limit your use of such phrases.

I would do introductions a little differently next time, as well. Instead of the traditional way of introducing characters from one PoV, you introduced each character from themselves. This format can make the writing seem like it jumps from place to place; making the reading choppy and not as appealing as it could be. So, try to introduce your characters in as natural a fashion as possible.

Crutial details. As far as I know, Marines do not fly Longswords. Navy pilots do that for us. Watch that kind of thing. And, if I am mistaken, please show me to the correct literature.

"two hundred and twenty-seven marines". Good. You spelt it out. However, you should have still done it slightly differently. Don't use "and" in the middle of a whole-number. "And" designates a decimal "Thirty-two and three-tenths". Get me? This is from those nifty science and math classes.
So, when you spell out those larger digits do so like "two-hundred-twenty-seven." Link it all together so we know it is one number.

Introductions of weapons is important as well. Avoid intros like "the new [insert weapon here]". It comes across as unprofessional.
Instead, just describe it like it is a more recently introduced piece of equipment. Besides, I'm guessing the Guass has been around a bit, but just not used a whole lot until now. It takes a while for new hardware to begin circulating.


Overall, this was pretty good. There is more I could say about your writing, but I'll just let you digest what I have already given you for now. Keep practicing and working your hardest. Keep writing; and good luck.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 6:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. i'll watch for it.
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Ark Night
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm... IS this the one where you KILL ME OFF?!!?? Ill read it. I skimmed through it lightly, and it was good
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Ark Night
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 6:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok good. This isnt the one where you kill me off!!! I liked it! The only thing was that um.. well, when you changed it from ground to air back to ground, it got kinda confusing! Next time, you should write more to each section, then submit them seperately. That is what I would do. Otherwise, it was good, with a capital D!!!!
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 8:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Ark. Ohh which one are you talking about? Ohh also...im sure more people read my story...please post comments. Thats what keeps me happy everyday you know? Cause i get mad at school cause of some people.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay. But only if you all comment on my newest story.

There were a few grammar or spelling mistakes but I don't care about them when I read a story as good as this one.

And try spelling ok as okay. Like numbers it just looks better.

This was an amazing story, the best thing I've read aaallllllllllll day. i enjoyed reading this more than I did playing rugby just now. And I like rugby. (American football?! Pah! I spit at your football! It is like rugby for sissies!! What's with all the protection and rules?! Hah! Go and run to your mommas and let us show you how it's done!*) Keep it up.


*No one better give a bunch of stick ie: "Rugby ain't so kewl you English pigdog!" I wasn't inciting anything. But all I said was true. Razz
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 10:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hahaha...but getting hurt in American Football is even more fun...at school...heheh They get hurt by me cause im big. Well glad you enjoyed my story. What was your latest? I wil read it.
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