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OUT OF THE FIRE INTO THE INFERNO!! (PART 1)
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 4:10 pm    Post subject: OUT OF THE FIRE INTO THE INFERNO!! (PART 1) Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

OUT OF THE FIRE INTO THE INFERNO!! (PART 1)
Posted by KAMIKAZE343  (singne1@yahoo.com)
21 January 2005, 9:56 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kamikaze343.0121052156081.html
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sam_fisha
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Posts: 300
Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well firstly I would like to welcome you to HBOFF.

Now on to the story.
Quote:

Sir, entering subspace in 3, 2, 1. The dark void shredded around them and revealed the endless space and stars that seemed to go on forever.


I liked this firt line, good job.

First thing is you didn't use quotation marks.

Quote:
Yes sir. He said.
<WRONG

Quote:
"Yes sir." He said.
<RIGHT

It really makes a differancel. Also you need to space out your talking, a new paragraph starts with a new speaker with few exeptions.

You need to capitalize your proper nouns, always capitalize proper nouns such as Captain, Lieutenant, and such.


Never EVER use the abrevations of ranks when somebody is talking. Once you used "Cpt." When a person was reffering to the Caption, this is something you should never do.

Same thing goes for numbers, "ninety three" is better than "93".

Your flow seemed good but could use some work, maybe some editing or proofreading help from somebody.

Use the CODE I know you're saying "What is code and why should I care?" Code is the system that HBOFF uses for writing styles, like
Italics and bolds

Using the code vastly improves writing.

(I will give you a list of the code soon.)

So good job on your first post and I hope the next will be even better.

Smile
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heres a list of the code.

[i] this will be italics [/i]

[b] this will be bold [/b]

[u] this will be underlined [/u]

[quote] this will be a quote (Used for forums, I do not suggest you use it in a story) [/quote]

[indent] <there is an indent for your paragraph here

Hope this helps
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Recent Flood Victim
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 12:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn, Fisha you beat me. Oh well, Kamakazie this is a fine start for your part in FanFic. But like Fisha said you need Code, it helps alot. And I can't really say what hasn't been said. So keep up the work.

-RFV-
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Zofinda
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Location: On my ass eating FunYuns...

PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fisha stated everything that needed to be stated. CODE, quotations, indentation, and all that good stuff. Your story flowed and I'm glad you explained how the Covenant lost so many ships( I think you said because of an experimental bomb or something). Keep it up and good luck with the next one.
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Zofinda
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh and welcome to HBO Very Happy !
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh! I have taught you well, sam_fisha!


Anyway.

I knew from looking at your title that you were new here. A title is pretty important. Don't stress over it, but do make it look nice and professional. Many people here will also look for good symbolism in your title.
But, for not, instead of "OUT OF THE FIRE INTO THE INFERNO!! (PART 1)" try something more like "Out Of The Fire And Into The Inferno : Part One". It just comes across as more professional. And that is one thing you want to accomplish here.

Good. You seem to have a decent idea of paragraphing. Either you know you need to do it, or you thought it looked better. Either way, good job in separating it up.
However, you were still missing something that there is no excuse for: the Code. If you spend more time here, it is a term that you will become really familiar with. Coding is, as has been mentioned, what allows you to do text effects like italics and bold, as well as use formatting effects like indentation and horizontal rules. sam_fisha, in my opinion, jumped the gun and handed coding to you on a silver platter. Well, just in case you want to know more, click the link in my signature (just do it anyway OR ELSE!)

Always spell out those minor numbers. Minor numbers are those that are just used descriptively (quantitatively) in writing. Spell those out. The only exceptions that you need to worry about are weapon and vehicle designators. Now, as for planets; in regular text, use Roman numerals, but in speach, go ahead and spell it out.
Yup, the same goes for ranks. I tell this to people all the time, but; for the life of me, I have never heard Captain pronounced "Cpt." Have you? So, don't abbreviate ranks.

Dialogue. Yeah, you really need to get a grasp on that. Without the use of quotation marks, the reader has no way of knowing who is talking or even if a person is talking.
Also, treat each new piece of speach like a new paragraph. It makes things easier to discern and keep track of.

Always cap those proper nouns too. That includes ranks, species, vehicles, specific weapons, and all that kind of stuff.

Details. Describe and explain things to us. Don't simply tell us what is. Show us what is going on.

Watch those transitions, too. When you switch places from one location to another, you need to provide some indication that you have done so. Another date/time stamp, a horizontal rule, three ###, or some extra spaces. But make sure we know you have moved. Else you will leave us behind.


Overall, this was okay, but it could have been a lot better. First, let me first say (oh, by the way, welcome to HBOFF!!) that we are commenting here to help you. Don't take what we are saying the wrong way; we are not trying to put you down.
That said, use what advice you are given and work your hardest to improve. Have fun writing; and don't forget to proofread.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do we have a [hr ] tag? I'll check: [hr]do I need to put a [/hr]?
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Obviously not.....
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 3:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it only works in a fic.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Like indents?


Damn you fisha! You get here first and you say everything first!
Ummm. Right. I'll just repeat stuff.

Firstly, you need to soften your title. NONE OF THIS OKAY?! Like MCC said.
Secondly write your numbers and stuff like Sam said. And MCC.

Damn you MCC... Mr. 1000 Posts. Making us all redundant. And your evil apprentice sam_fisha...
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 9:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's "Mr. 1100 Posts" now. And, yeah, I think I;ve done well with little Sammy. Man, you should have seen him try to hide from me in the shadows the other day . . .
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy crap! I just noticed the post count! I worship you, oh mightly MCC!
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lingling
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 12:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome story dude.

I especially liked the part when you stated that the humans were able to take out 108 of the covenants ships while only disabling or destroying the UNSC starships.


And welcome to HBO.. Cool
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I seemed to recall stating that it is unessecary and off topic to worship MCC, as unique a character as he is.

Not that anyone listens to me...


Anyway, your story was...okay. It was a heckuva lot better than my first post (does anyone remember that?) The biggest thing that stood out was your lack of quotation marks. With them, your story would have been alot more readable.

Gotta go now, I'll post more tomorrow (i'm grounded for bad grades, so I have an early bedtime Sad )
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