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The Great Journey: Episode 1 - The Journey Taken

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 4:10 pm    Post subject: The Great Journey: Episode 1 - The Journey Taken Reply with quote

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The Great Journey: Episode 1 - The Journey Taken
Posted by Random 14-Year-Old (i-rule-2008@sbcglobal.net)
21 January 2005, 5:58 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=random_14-ye.0121050558352.html
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Recent Flood Victim
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Joined: 11 Dec 2004
Posts: 51
Location: A place where Rednecks run wild, and liberals are prey

PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 12:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man, you are very talented. I'm so impressed on what you've done. This story...it well kicks ass. I couldn't really find any mistakes except your Locklear dialouge is a little scratchy. Work on that and you'll be a great writer. Now hurry up and right another!
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
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Location: California

PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. Actually, for some reason I didn't really like the result when I finished this segment. I like the story I have planned out, but I keep thinking that I can't portray it in the way I want to. Oh well. Hmm...that reminds me...I should start the next episode...It's true that hard work pays off over time, but procrastination pays off NOW.

Keep readin'. Cool
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Zofinda
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Joined: 29 Nov 2004
Posts: 41
Location: On my ass eating FunYuns...

PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 1:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yea, its a great story but i had just ONE gripe. The unnecessary lines that tryed to be humorous. In " First Strike" Locklear isnt overly humorous with the things he says, its the way he says them. His attitude during combat and his soldier speak, inserted at the right moments, make him funny. So long story short, dont try to be to funny thats its childish.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 3:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good. Interesting start, I must say. Though, I do have a few things youd could work on:

Flow. Your flow was decent in most places, but in others your sentenses started getting wordy, thus taking away from the smooth feel of things. Try to avoid doing that.
I'm not sure how much you proofread, but doing it some more could catch some of those mistakes.

Your writing seems very reminiscent of Nylunds. Not necissarily his style, but in the way you are doing it. I would not do that if I were you. Make your story unique.
The way you had it, it was kind of sparse. Things could have been expanded, described, explained, etc. It just could have been beefed up - improved throughout. So, work on that for us.

Short. So, I didn't have much to read. Fix that.

Hmm... I found that whole ending location very odd. It seemed like something out of a rediculous cartoon to me. Things just seemed unreasonable. Unbelievable. Off and out of place.
It just didn't seem, or feel, realistic. Fix that. Make things sound as realistic as possible, so that the reader feels that they are in that place, and could picture themselves there without problem.

Yeah; watch his character, too. I felt like you had his personality off a bit.


Overall this was pretty good. Just work on what is pointed out to you to improve. Keep writing; and good luck.
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 3:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was short. But I liked it. That has some really good imagination. I give 9/10. It couldve been longer i'll admit, but it was good. I look forward reading the next chapter.
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