HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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SPECTRE: ONI's Answer to the Spartan Program: Prologue
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
15 January 2005, 10:50 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.0115052250361.html

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 12:35 pm Post subject:

Shocked to see this here...i just found this at 9:38PM with a fever. Great story. Keep it up man. Hoo Rah!
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Mark Lieberg
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reagan64 · Member Joined: 30 Aug 2004 Posts: 17

A Commodore would never command two whole fleets.

Covie_Lover · Member Joined: 07 Aug 2004 Posts: 280

Errrr...personally, I disagree with the inclusion of a great writers name being used appearently without her consent(unless you DO have Jillybean's consent)...

Besides, while Jillybean is a nice nickname for a writer, it..uh.. doesn't really fit well on a soldier...

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 12:28 am Post subject:

This turned out better than I expected. It's going along fine for a serious fic that includes most of the HBO writers, it's cool.

Keep it up, and thanks for making me a commander!

Wraith_Coldfire · Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 8:01 pm Post subject:

If you didn't notice, ALL of the character are HBOFF members, not just Jillybean. The names come off oddly at times, but on the whole it is a good piece of work. I cn't wait for Chapter one.

(Na)Marl · Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 9:29 pm Post subject:

--I had one part throughout the entire story. Hehe. I feel so unused. It was great, almost excellent. 85/100. There were some mistakes I didn't like. You were a bit repetetive with phrases, especially 'seem to' at the beginning. Other than that, very nice work, Gallagher.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Yeah; this was meant to have the names of us HBO Personalities in it. And, if good 'ol ENS would have changed them around too much, how would we know who was who? Fine by me. And yes, I'm positive he got concent. Do you get out much?

Well, it was okay. But, I do have some things to point out. Try working on that flow. There were places where I noted repetision, or sentense structure and wording that didn't quite lend to a smooth read. So, be careful how you use all that.
Try breaking out the Pepper Grinder of Details, too. There could have been more of those. Would have improved things overall.

I saw some small errors in there, too. How much did you go over this? I would have thought it would have been better; more perfected and smoothed out. Hmph.

Overall, I thought it was good, but it could have been better. I would have thought it expanded out a little more. Or including more of the personalities and presence of the HBO Crew. But, I'll have to wait for the next one. Anyway, just work on what I pointed out.
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HoZ · Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 10:32 pm Post subject:

NICE!

HoZ · Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 11:34 pm Post subject:

i didnt expect the whole jilly and me thing Embarassed

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 12:31 am Post subject:

Don't worry, you and her don't get it on....actually, she kinda falls in love with the $^$# later.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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HoZ · Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 12:33 am Post subject:

Whew!
Hey! wait a minute... Confused

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 12:34 am Post subject:

Sorry, too little. Laughing

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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

HoZ · Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 12:35 am Post subject:

GRRRR...

Covie_Lover · Member Joined: 07 Aug 2004 Posts: 280