HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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The Priestess and the Warrior - Grave of the Solemn Thunder
Posted by Jillybean (jbean_gotmuse@yahoo.co.uk)
14 January 2005, 7:05 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jillybean.0114051905515.html

[Phædrus]

Excellent!! There were two spelling mistakes that I caught, but otherwise, no other errors of that nature. It was very suspensful. You are a master of your art. Hey! That gives me an idea. Why don't you contact Tina Leyk and the two of you could make an illustrated novel! Think about it. It sounds stupid at first, but it's a great idea. E-mail Tina and see what she thinks. You could publish it! Think about it...

[Azrael]

Yeah, as I read your work, I think of Tina. The attention to detail, the flow, the elegant nature of your Elites, it's a good match. Always a good read. Cheers.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.

[Phædrus]

Dang... Nobody's posting on one of the best fics here. It just goes to show: Tanj :: There Ain't No Justice.

[thedarkfire]

Jilly, you've done it again. Simply beautiful descriptions and i now want to play Jaheijagaj. If you could, inish the game and send it out to the masses to build and play ourselves.

Minor spelling errors. You said blasphemy where blasphem was in order.

MORE!

[Jillybean]

'blasphem' isn't a word :S
Another point, I hope everyone's okay with the British spellings, since we don't use 'z' in the ize sounds. I'm a traditionalist when it comes to spelling, so I go for pure British spellings (although both are acceptable in the UK). Things like specialise and hospitalise

Yeah - that game (which is a random jumble of letters that I usually copy and paste because typing it isn't a word) is growing as I write. I like that

[thedarkfire]

[Rebirth Shadow]

Yea, darkfire, it's "blaspheme", you got it right there.

Jillybean, I'm fairly new to this place, and I honestly don't even know why I'm critiquing others' works with so much to work on with my own stuff. It seems that you are quite a respected author around here. After reading this work, I am inclined to show you the very same respect. You are a superb writer, better than I could ever dream to become. The descriptions were amazing. They floweded into my mind so easily and effortlessly. Beautiful. With that said, after scrutinizing your work, I did find some sentence structure problems. I know they are minor points, but they are invariably important for a writer like you, as I'm sure you're looking towards creating very polished works.

"Once at a safe distance, it welled, an enormous bubble of energy encompassing it, and stealing it away from normal space"

This sentence seems to have two subjects, "it" and "enormous bubble". Usually the main subject does the action, which is the "stealing". However, you switch subject mid-sentence and have the bubble of energy do the work. I suppose it might make sense, though it is highly unorthodox and extremely clumsy.

"If you look anymore depressed, Fulsamee, you'll have our latest recruits thinking the Thunder's not the best crew in the fleet"

Here, you're referring to a ship as a crew. The Thunder is not a crew of any kind.

"Her beauty did not match Talsamee's, her skin was a little rougher and her body lankier."

Need a semicolon rather than a comma there to link the two clauses.

"His fur and skin had been burned off, hanging off him in gelatinous globs."

Not completely sure whether this is technically correct, but it would probably sound better if you used "and hung" instead of "hanging".

Again, all these are both subjective and minor. However, I don't see any other possible way in which you might be able to improve you fanfiction. It seems that the polishing of your sentence structure is all you need.

[Jillybean]

True, that's very, very true (it's what my prospective agents tell me)

It still doesn't mean I can be arsed going over every split infinitive for a fanfiction.

And - "How can you blaspheme like that" certainly doesn't sound right! I've just checked with Word and both are acceptable. I believe 'blasphemy' is correct in this case because her entire state of mind blasphemous and therefore she is committing blasphemy at the moment. To blaspheme would be to say a single, blasphemous thing - am I right or wrong? To be honest, my grammar is self taught and I have no idea about verbs, adverbs etc.

I'm of the school of thought that speech should not be completely grammatically correct as, in reality, speech very rarely is.

[Swift'n'Painful]

Absolutely superb there Jillybean. I loved the story, even though I am a first-timer reading your storys. I have seen them posted but never got around to reading them, I am glad that I did today. It took forever for me to finish though, it was well worth the time taken to do so.

Its probaly just me, but it didn't flow to well for me when I was reading the story. Well... in fact I am sure it was just me, because everyone one else said it flowed really good. I shall just have to get used to that.

I only managed to find two speeling errors through-out hte whole story, AMAZING! is all that I can say to that, and that someone finally can spell. I got stuck on one part of the story though, "Orna' Fulsamee gritted his four rows of teeth together as another Hatchling pawed his shining new armour.
"How many scalps do you have?" he asked, grinding his mandibles together, forcing out a sticky goo which seemed to gravitate to Fulsamee's breastplate.
"Enough . . ." he said, trying to disengage himself.
"How many!" the Hatchling wailed, thumping a sticky hand off Fulsamee's leg.
"Ahh, Excellency," the Unggoy teacher smiled at him. "You're a natural. You are a lucky one, Priestess."

I was a little confused when the Unggoy teacher called Fulsamee a Priestess, when he is a clearly Warrior. So I thought that the teacher was reffering to Jalahass, but I could not find her no where in that particular paragraph. Once again, its probaly just me and my way of reading that I would not understand this, but that was the only part that really confused me some.

Excellent story Jilly, can't wait to read the next one in the series. Keep up the great work.

[Phædrus]

Same here.

And what about my idea?

[Jillybean]

Jalahass is talking to an older part of the class, and the teacher is referring to her. Since she's the only Priestess in the room I thought it was obvious - sorry

[Covie_Lover]

Great story! I love this series!

Tina Leyk...and Jillybean....

An awsome writer/awsome artist combo would be great.

But I think Tina is currently working on an Arbiter picture that meets her standards. Maybe later I guess.

[MasterSushi]

[Phædrus]

But that would rule, right? I mean, they are two of the greatest people in this community. Jilly in the FF section and Leyk in the art section. They are both masters. They should work together towards a common goal. What that will be? I don't know. Take over the world perhaps?