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Third Marines, Harvest Campaing: Chapter Three- The Woods

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 4:29 pm    Post subject: Third Marines, Harvest Campaing: Chapter Three- The Woods Reply with quote

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Third Marines, Harvest Campaing: Chapter Three- The Woods
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
14 January 2005, 5:30 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0114050530113.html
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 6:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good addition to the series. The battle sequences were good, but were somewhat repetative because you focused on the same thing too much. My suggestion when doing firefight scenes is to have the battle play out, like you did, but focus on a variety of things, such as the feelings of the Marines, the environment around them, and possibly a little more on the panic or disorientation that might accompany such a fight. There are lots of options to describing these scenes, be sure to use them all.

Still something I've noticed is you tend to have quite a few punctuation and grammer errors. Proof read through it slowly, and read it out loud. If you can't say it smoothly or well, alter your writing so you can. Towards the end it seemed you got a little hasty and didn't review it as well, and missed capitalizing quite a few words (Covenant, Helljumper, etc.). It takes time, so don't be afraid if you must do it three or four times.

The characters behaved rather interesting (something I noticed when I proof-read some of it). You should really add some more emotion to they way they act, since a lot of it seemed too much "by the book." Granted, their training takes over, but let's not forget they're still human. Especially be careful when they get injured; when Bradley and Anders got hit in the firefight, you could have done some amazing descriptive and emtional stuff there; don't pass up opprotunites to expound upon your characters.

You're writing is improving, just make sure to keep the techncial side of things in line (Grammer, Punctuation and Spelling), as those attributes are just as important.

Keep going!

-Russ
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 11:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great..just Great...Nice to read too. Keep it up. I wil try to read the next one.
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Covie_Lover
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Joined: 07 Aug 2004
Posts: 280

PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm... Very interesing. Keep up the good work.

8/10

By the way, does anyone remember the series I was writing? It was called To Capture a Prophet. I want to know if anyone wants me to resume it. Otherwise, I'll just start the new one I have in mind
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Andres
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Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Posts: 151

PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 2:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If at some point of the series you found it interesting, thanks russel! Just Kidding at thanks.
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
Posts: 300
Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story. But you forgot to cap Grunt.
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Scott D
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Joined: 14 Aug 2004
Posts: 8
Location: Beijing China

PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 5:57 am    Post subject: Dig the story, and I'm finally back Reply with quote

Hey I like your work man, intense stuff. I'm finally back from my half a year hiatus to finish what I started on Prodigal Son, and with part 13 being published soon and part 14 being worked on as we speak I would really appreciate it if you guys would check it out when they post it. I'm sorry to be a hack and advertise on here, but I really like feedback. Besides, you're all men and women of discerning taste.
Not to mention, I'm in Beijing, and being a nerd who's trying to quit boozing and socializing.
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Covie_Lover
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Joined: 07 Aug 2004
Posts: 280

PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ummmmm...

Why haven't any stories been posted yet? It's bee like four days since i posted mine...


Hmmmmm.... Confused
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Covie_Lover: I always encourage people to continue and finish something that they started if they want to. But, it is your choice. If you have no enthusiasm for the series, then you will not write it well. However, if you have a lot of energy for your new series that you have been thinking of, go ahead and blow us away. Whatever you feel like doing.


Ehem.

On to the story.

Try to use some more details. Whether you are explaining or describing things to us; just use more material overall. Some parts seemed kind of short or clipped. You don't want that kind of feeling. You want a feeling of development and envelopment. Get the reader into things. You can't fo that without proper use of good details.

Memory chips? Since when do ODSTs have mem. chips? Do you mean from like Brute Force? I know they have recorders in their helmets, so perhaps that is what you meant? Well, that would make more sense. But make that kind of stuff clear. You did say they were removed from the helmets, but the name you gave them just kind of make things confusing - to a degree.

Things didn't get as much jumbled as slightly repedetive and drawing during that combat. So, just make sure your don't drag things out too long. I read through it okay, but I did start to become bored at times.


Overall, this was pretty good, but it could have used some more emotion and flow to make all that battle go by more easily. Work on all that for us. Good luck, and keep on writing.

But, now onto chap four.
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