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Scavenger

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 4:25 pm    Post subject: Scavenger Reply with quote

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Scavenger
Posted by WONDERLIBERTARIAN (wonderlibertarian@yahoo.com)
12 January 2005, 4:03 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=wonderlibert.0112051603051.html
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WONDERLIBERTARIAN
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 22

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok.... a few notes about this one.

Firstly it is the start of a series, it is just that I assumed that when it had me pick a series name that that might be for someone besides myself's use. The series is called Uprising, this is Chapter One.

(Chapter two is halfway done right now, but I probably won't be able to finish it this weekend)


Next, I am a little bit unsure about the probability of the series (I did massive amountsof research, and was left still making a couple of assumptions which worry me), but hopefully it'll turn out alright, I was terribly insecure about the whole series, but then HFS gave me the thumbs up.

Originally the Scavenger Character was nothing more than a tool to view the dissimilarites of the Sangheili and the Human races (and also a lot more pondering about slipstream and economics... God... who would want to read that?), and the story was boring. Then I started to wonder about where the character had come from, why he did what he did, who he was and who he used to be, and all of this intruiged me so much that I changed it to first person perspective and decided to make it a lot more interesting.

So, Uprising Chapter One: Scavenger, how did you feel about it?
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Just, wow.

Now this is a level of writing that isn't too common. Your emotions and descriptions are perfect. The flow and placement is perfect, and you conveyed without hindrance the setting and feel of the characters and their actions.

The first-person prespective was flawless, and this is really the first story I have read that that accents such a point of view. You, my friend, have just brought the standard of writing to an all time high.

Mistakes were irrelevant against your writing (and they were nonexistant, save one) and you captured my attention with your well placed words and decriptions. The plot behind your story, while still a mystery to me, captured my imagination and carried me thorugh. This is magnificant work.

I do not know anything about such a 'Scavenger,' but I hope I can learn more about him. You alluded a lot to his past, and my picture of him is beginning to materialize, yet I only know so much thus far. Are there writings of such a character already in existance?

You're title was interesting, and with this being a series using the name "Uprising" with the chapter designation, etc., would have been more appropriate, but you cannot change it now (at least I don't think you can), so keep on working.

I loved this. Dave and MCC (and everyone else) will agree. Excellent work.

-Russ
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
Posts: 300
Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

.........Whoa......Great, an insight to what happens after halo2. This whole scavenging business is pretty cool, interesting how you portray the Brute lifestyle with dirt floors and lots of furniture. Good.
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Covie_Lover
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Joined: 07 Aug 2004
Posts: 280

PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice story. You're a very creative person. I look forward to the next in the Uprising series. I'm a little confused as the reason a Sanghelli is rooting around in a old museum. Is he interested in this stuff? and how did he learn to read English? This is intended as constructive critisism.

9/10
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say it is perfect. I saw a few spots where the wording could have been a little better; thus making flow minutely better. But, it wasn't a road-block or anything, just some pieces of gravel.
For instance, some snetenses seemed to run on slightly. But, like I said, just little stuff.

I would have actually appreciated a bit more explenation of the history. Sure, you don't want to give everything away, but you could hint or just suggest little things about how a "Scavenger" works, where he came from, why he does it, and stuff like that.
Now, you may think that some people might find that kind of thing boring. But, a skilled reader will not.
Of course, every reader wants some kind of interesting thing. Like, for instance, perhaps in a deep base/bunker, there are a few living survivors that have been able to live because there were rations ment for hundred that now are used only by a few. Stuff like that.

I thought it could have used a a bit more detail about the setting. You could have set a much more distinct mood and given us more info about how the interior of the mesuem looked. Just the way it sat stagnant and buried.
That was one thing I thought was missing

The Covenant your had there didn't really sound like I would have expected them to. They were just too human-like. Try adding some minute differences in there to give us a better idea that these are a different race and culture of beings.


Overall, this was quite good. Seemingly well thought out, and pretty interesting. I enjoyed it. So I will be looking for the next installment. Keep it up.
_________________
-MCC
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WONDERLIBERTARIAN
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 22

PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 2:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Character, his past, how he knows English, all of this is more fully adressed later, should it have been in the first chapter? The story is as much about his past as it is about his future.

As for his job, why did he choose this particular way to make money? How does he know so much about the humans? The answers will come, as I've said, the Uprising story is as much about his past as it is about his future.

-

I've spent the whole weekend (I was bored and separated from my computer) thinking about the story, where it will go, why, how, and I think I've got it, pretty much, at least enough to finish chapter2 (working title: Delhormee) (which will include a couple of flashbacks from a former life which just didn't fit in Scavenger.
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Covie_Lover
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Joined: 07 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooooooooooooooooooh, this is a series?

Sorry, my bad...





Embarassed
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WONDERLIBERTARIAN
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 22

PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 4:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No problem man, it was fair criticism. It is a series, by the way, but the title doesn't tell you that because there was a misunderstanding.
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