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The Great Journey: Prologue - The Locklear Incident

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 4:25 pm    Post subject: The Great Journey: Prologue - The Locklear Incident Reply with quote

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The Great Journey: Prologue - The Locklear Incident
Posted by Random 14-Year-Old (i-rule-2008@sbcglobal.net)
12 January 2005, 6:49 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=random_14-ye.0112050649021.html
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
Posts: 300
Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great, my only gripe was the paragraphing and you didn't capitalize Corporal, just split the paragraphs another space and capitalize ranks and races. I await the next.
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 3:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhh, a play of the old Halo books.

For the most part, good job. The formatting was good, you only had a few errors (like not capitalizing ranks, as sam_fisha said), and it flowed decently well.

I can't remember that much of that incident off the top of my head, so I'll just have to assume you did your backwork first to make sure you didn't (or are not going to) alter the story in any way.

I like the mystery set behind it, and I can see you have a nice theory behind your stated thesis in the story, so this should be pretty fun to follow. My final sugggestion is to work on length, as this was farily short.

-Russ
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Recent Flood Victim
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Joined: 11 Dec 2004
Posts: 51
Location: A place where Rednecks run wild, and liberals are prey

PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 4:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story, I liked that you researched what happened in the story, most people don't do that and it usually sucks, so think you for this enjoyable story. I will be following it.

-RFV-
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Zofinda
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Joined: 29 Nov 2004
Posts: 41
Location: On my ass eating FunYuns...

PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 6:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story. The plot of the story is awesome and as a matter-of-fact I, wondered if anyone would ever right a story about the whereabouts of the crystal. This could be interesting. I also like the way you give emotion to your characters , like how the Admiral slammed his fist into the table, I can picture an ol Texan doing that. Keep up the good work.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, there wasn't all that much wrong with your formatting. You pretty-much copied Eric's style. Try to work some of your own into that, though.

Your personalities seemed a tad off, as well. While they were mostly believable, I do not think that you captured the characters that we were introduced to in the books.
I've read them quite a few times, and so can see those discrepencies.

Now, about your story-line.
Well, I guess I can believe that Haverson didn't really find the Corporal. Since all they really had to rely on was his word.
But, I don't know about the whole crystal being lost thing. Sure, we don't know exactly where it is - but then again, we do still have some of the pieces. So, the whole thing is not missing - nor is the whole thing found.
But, I do believe it was Tartarus that gave some fragments to Truth in the Epilogue. Those were what he found.
So, there are some small things that don't really make complete sense to me. But, what you have presented does seem kind of interesting; and you have seemingly thought this over a lot. Thus, I will withold judgment of your plot for a later date.


Overall, this wasn't bad, but it wasn't really good either. There wasn't all that mcuh material to decide off of here; so I will have to wait for a larger chapter to give a more complete assessment.
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-MCC
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Swift'n'Painful
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Joined: 28 Aug 2004
Posts: 64
Location: Just think about it...

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 2:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, that was interesting. Some spelling mistakes here and there, but not to much wrong with the story. I would most certainly like to see how you take this story, and if you do anything with the crystal or not. So needless to say, I will me following it.

Just try not to slaughter everything. By saying "slaughter" I mean, don't start off with a pretty good story like this one we have here, and let the comments about it go to your head, and end up making the next part in such a rush that you make some incredibaly stupid and obvious mistakes.
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California

PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 2:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa...I didn't expect this many people (if any) to comment on my story. I was thinking about discontinuing it (pure laziness and lack of commitment) but now that people are actually following it, I guess I'll keep going with it. And yes, I have a whole big plot planned out. Expect an entire substory that ties in all the mysteries that were presented by Nylund. I hope. Hmm, better get to work...

Oh, and thanks for all the comments. Again, I never expected this much feedback when there's a million other stories on top of mine.

Keep readin' Cool
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