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A Summer at Mombasa

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 4:23 pm    Post subject: A Summer at Mombasa Reply with quote

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A Summer at Mombasa
Posted by SeverianofUrth
11 January 2005, 3:04 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=severianofur.0111051504371.html
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 11:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice story. Try to make it a little longer. You could proabbly fit three pages from Microsoft word into this Fan fic. Trust. Me. Keep it up.
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Recent Flood Victim
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, I noticed some grammer mistakes, but all over good. Try to make it a little longer and add some more description on how they got there. More depth.

-RFV-
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Zofinda
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 7:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great story! Make sure to capitalize Warthog, Grunt, Jackal and etc.

Quote:
Sabastini crept up to the building, fear building in rising crescendos.
That line right there was great. Something about it made me go," Hey, this storys pretty good"

As for the length, it seemed all right to me but it could have been longer. Just down over crowd your stories with excessive junk to make it longer.
By the way, there is a sequel right?
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 11:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Try to make it a little longer and add some more description on how they got there. More depth.

I might be wrong, RFV, but the ending of this chapter does seem to hint that the next chapter (and possibly more) will be told in flashback, giving you all the backrgound you'll need. I could be wrong, but that seemed to be the mood of it.

Good job. I noticed a few mistakes, but nothing major. Kind of short, but most first chapters are. So far, so good.

I'll be looking forward to the next one.

C.T. Clown
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 11:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes; it could have been much longer. But, like has been said, often times because you have yet to really expand and develop your story, the first chapter can be short.

Anyway.

Try using italics for thoughs. Like, instead of just "Snipers, he thought." do "Snipers, he thought. Fuck" (yeah, that last part was just for effect).

Yeah, do cap those proper nouns. Species are what I noticed. You could do stuff like "Battle Rifle", too; since it is a name of a specific kind of object.

I'm guessing it wasn't your intention, but you didn't have a whole lot of emotion about when the Marine(s) died. Your description of that first guy's head exploading was no more emotional than that of a watermelon spliting open.

Could have used just a tad more detail overall. Not too much, but a little more setting and mood wouldn't have hurt.


Overall, it was good; a pleasant read. I'll look forward to any further chapters of this. Keep it up.
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Swift'n'Painful
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's been said time and time again, so i'll only say it once, it could of been a touch longer, there I said it. Sabastini could also of showed a little remorse for his deceased comrades. He needed to show some emotion as well, maybe not much because that would get him distracted from the fight, and then he would make a grave mistake and die.

I will most definately read the next part of the story, so keep on writing, just keep in mind the comments that people say about htis story and try to work them into your future ones.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 3:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"So it goes"(Vonnegut). Was this the, in effect the feeling you were trying to attain when that one Marine died. If so, you did a damn good job.

Nice to see you back severian.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was gone over the weekend...

Thanks, everyone, for the comments. I'll make the next part longer and better, and now that I look back on the story I see now that yeah, the thoughts could use italics. Thanks, MCC< for pointing that out.

Again, thanks, everyone.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 2:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm talking about your having a new story posted. It's been since October.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I'm talking about your having a new story posted. It's been since October


Oh. sorry.
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