MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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 Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:33 am Post subject: |
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It's long past time that this story got a comment.
Well, I am still noticing the same stuff. You need to beef it up.
Like at the beginning. You could have explained an described a whole lot more about everything. The situation, what people were thinking, more of what was found. All that sort of stuff.
Watch your sentense structure, too. You had some places where your punctuation was off. And so, your sentense didn't flow or read all that well. Try to weed those kinds of mistakes out.
Why were AA teams doing the searching? I would have thought someone else would have done it. Like, they would have called in some Marines who would have gone in there combat-ready searching for the assaulters and what not.
That just makes more sense to me.
I think you inadvertantly made the whole Chris thing way too obvious and straight forward in Alison's mind. You had the connection in your head, and so made an obvious one in the story.
You should have had her wonder more. Wonder why she had been spared, and perhaps Chris could have been responsible for her not being killed. Show a logical progression of thought; not just instant knowledge and conclusions.
I also thought that the whole scene with ONI and Chris was in the same way slightly over the top and not fully believable. Stuff was just off.
And the on top of that, you went from like "shit, he's in trouble, ONI doesn't like trouble, he might get killed or something" to "yeah, but it was okay, and she can like join ONI and get laid by you again" really fast.
Overall, well, I didn't all too much care for the soap opera feeling it had. Things happened to fast and without much detail for backing. So, fix that. But, do keep writing. And good luck with it.
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-MCC |
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