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Mist: Chapter 2

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 4:23 pm    Post subject: Mist: Chapter 2 Reply with quote

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Mist: Chapter 2
Posted by Winters (patpan04@yahoo.com)
11 January 2005, 9:07 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=winters.0111050907413.html
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Watch your wording and flow. Some of your sentenses made sense, but they could have been made to flow and read better. Try to use a combination of words that not only sounds good in a sentense, but from one to the next.

Try exfliating your characters a bit. That first part could have been expanded to twice the size. In the process, you could have gone to tell us more about the mission (people involved, terrain, etc.) and more about her sister and/or their relationship. Just would have made it more encompassing.

Spell out those ranks. My most common way of explain why is: have you ever heard someone pronounce sergeant "Sgt."? I didn't think so. Stuff like that needs to be spelled out to look good in text.
Same goes for numbers.

Beef that dialogue up a bit. You had the words, but nothing (emotion, description, etc.) to go along with it; telling us what they were doing/thinking/feeling. When you include that kind of stuff, it just makes your characters more human to the reader. And plus, it developes them and their personality as well.

Keep things professional, too. Since this didn't seem like an episode of RvB, try to not include "Thirty minutes later" headings. Explain that it is later, just don't tell us.

And just as a plot thing, why are humans on a planet with a Forerunner structure that has not been explored? You would expect that kind of thing to get checked out. 'Specially if if looked promising.


Overall, this was pretty good. Just work on what I told you about, and keep making an effort to improve. Good luck; and have fun.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth

PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've read your whole series and I like it alot I don't think I've posted on one of them yet but I like it and the series as a whole gets 86/100.
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