HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Halo 3: The Ark-Chapter 1
Posted by FOrunnER (raiderjake74@yahoo.com)
9 January 2005, 5:17 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=forunner.0109050517371.html

Mournhold · Member Joined: 03 Aug 2004 Posts: 9 Location: Raccoon City

good to see you're still around FOrunnER and this was an excellent chapter. interesting idea of what happens after Halo 2, especially with the Monitor betraying everyone AGAIN.

hope to see more.

Fast400 · Member Joined: 11 Jan 2005 Posts: 2 Location: Delta Halo

Man, it's great to see you back in business...

I still miss the Spartan III's

oh, well you write awesome stories!

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Yes; it is indeed good to see you still alive and well. I thought you had left us for good. Welcome back; I hope you plan to stay.

Watch that punctuation with dialogue. You had it outside the quotes.

Also, watch using bold for dialogue. If it is a single large shout or what not, ALL CAPS can be okay, but use italics instead. But, if it is REALLY loud . . .

Watch those small mistakes. I noticed some places where words were misused, or the structure was slightly off, or the flow could have been better, and stuff like that.
Just try to work those out. It makes thing better as a whole.

I saw some specific instances of the above that I could have pointed out, but, I'll let you improve those on your own.
Oh, by the way; I think that it is "super-lunar" speads, or something like that. But not "aluminum."

That battle scene could have been improved with a more coherent set of details, but, I was just able to keep along.

Overall, this was not bad at all; I liked it. A few things to work out; and I hope they are from rust and not permenent corosion. Have fun with your next piece.
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-MCC

FOrunnER · Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 2:43 am Post subject:

Well thanks for the reviews everybody. I'm surprised people actually know who I am, but its nice to know that they do.

Thanks for the tips on punctuation, and the tips about the bold/italics stuff MC. I'll make sure to keep that in mind for next chapter. And the whole super-aluminum, I knew that didn't make sense as soon as I wrote it, but I just couldn't figure out what it could be. Lunar fits better, although it still doesn't make perfect sense with what he's saying. Hopefully an accurate transcript will be released soon.

For this series I'm going to try to put more 'story' into it than action. I've read back through my many (and saddeningly uncomplete) peices and realized thats been my main fault. Although I'm rusty, I'm aiming for this to be my best story yet. The first couple of chapters will still have quite a bit of action, but thats just necessity for the direction I'm taking in this story.

Updates for this will not be as frequent thanks to some computer problems, and my first completely originial story for which I am still in the 'brainstorming' session of. Thanks for reading guys.

Peace Out
-FOrunnER

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 4:49 am Post subject:

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

mtnspringwater · Member Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 1

Please write more, I like the way you capture the ruthlessness of Brutes. Keep it up!

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 4:23 am Post subject:

Dang this is Mad old.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"