HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

Third Marines, Harvest Campaing: Chapter Two.
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
8 January 2005, 11:34 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0108051134202.html

[russ687]

Interesting opener, Andres, but I liked it.

Be careful in your writing and proof-read. There were a lot of punctuation errors (and I mean a lot). Just run over your writing and catch them; they're not hard to pass up.

Also, watch your capitals and thier use. You lacked a significant amount of them.

Careful with your timelines! You had Admrial Cole going to the Harvest System eleven years before it actually happened (Note: Cole retakes Harvest in 2531). Also, Mainevent mentioned (in your last posting) that Marines really never played a part in that battle, keep sharp about how you are going to deal with that fact.

As a whole, it was good. Catch those errors, though, because they can really take away from the story. Your plot is advancing well, but there was some confusion in there for me; try and avoid entering your descriptions in such a manner that it seems, well, confusing.

Keep working.

-Russ

[Sgt Scope077]

Uh...this is the same story as the first one.

[russ687]

Oh yes, you mispelled Campaign in your title (you put 'Campaing'). I didn't catch that on your last submission either, but be sure to fix it the next time around.

-Russ

[Mark Lieberg]

The date was off a bit. I believe Harvest was attacked at the year of 2525. But 5 years off. Not that bad. Unlike that stupid ass one, says it happened in 5255. Stupid. But not you. Interesting. Keep it up.

"Hoo Rah!" Trust me. My dad's in the military.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[Andres]

The planet the Marines are attacking in not Harvest, is a diferent Colony. I interpret the Harvest Campaing lasted four years, I'm assuming the Marines take a planet in one of those years.

[SYSTEM]

Oooh, look, it's another type-o. Those things are nasty, aren't they?

Andres, you might want to consider investing in an ergonomically designed keyboard, or decreasing the resolution of your monitor. That might make it a little easier to spot those little bugs. I get them all the time.

I can't see the story, there's a problem with the Internet, but I'm sure it will be good.

I'll write the URL down and try and see if the Internet behaves accordingly next time.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[MC's Cousin]

Watch those small mistakes. I noticed quite a few words that were mispelled. And I also noticed those punctuation problems. So, I would suggest more thoroughly proofreading your stories. Just a couple read-overs should catch most of the small mistakes; and give you time to think about the bigger ones.

Remember to spell out those minor numbers.

I would think out that plot of yours a little more if I were you. If you did, you would have a lot more explained and thus less confusion of your readers. The more and better we understand something, the better.

Make that dialogue more believable.
And stick to one spelling of "Hoorah!" please. What you did was not what we call variety.

Improve your details a bit. You were kinda bland, and got pretty repedetive in places. So, keep things creative, descriptive, and well formed.

Five gees? Red out? I don't think so. Only prolongued gees will do that to you. And they have to be above five - about seven or above; and a lot more for a trained pilot.
Watch the history channel or something.

Make up your mind about those gun details; is it a fifty-cal or a thirty-mil? And plus, a LAAG is 12.7mm (aka: fifty-cal). Keep things steady.


Overall, it was okay, and the plot has some good potential; but you have to improve that writing a bit. Use the advice given to you; and never stop working to improve. Keep practicing.
_________________
-MCC

[russ687]

Actually, a red-out occurs when you plunge into the negative gee's, and negative-5-gee's is more then enough to begin that affect. This situation occurs most commonly when you begin a dive forward, fast enough to surpass natural gravity (i.e. 1-gee), and the blood in your body rises quickly, collecting in your head and causing the veins near your eyes to swell, thus your vision turns red. Negative-5-gees as quite enough to begin such a process, and I would estimate it would take about 2 or 3 seconds.

A blackout is the opposite, when you plunge into the positive gee's. This situation occurs commonly when you pull up, causing the centripetal force to go beyond natural gravity. Positive-5-gee's is comparably not much, at least for a trained pilot, and a blackout (Note; Blackout occurs when the blood in your head rushes towards your feet, starving the brain of oxygen and temporarily hindering it) at that force would take quite some time, and by the time that could happen you would have competed such a maneuver. 7+ gee's is where the forces really began acting on a pilot, and at 9 or 10 gee's, you have probably just around a second or two before the blackout begins.

Just couldn't resist, but I hope it gives you some info (if you didn't already know) how those forces work. Pretty interesting stuff, actually.

-Russ

[MC's Cousin]

russ is right. Just make sure to specify on that kind of thing. And, from what you were describing, it was like they blacked out after the red-out. Red-outs are like extreme hand stands. And yeah, five gees would be enough for that.

I've got to go flying again soon.
_________________
-MCC