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The Priestess and the Warrior - A Rebel Base
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:40 pm    Post subject: The Priestess and the Warrior - A Rebel Base Reply with quote

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The Priestess and the Warrior - A Rebel Base
Posted by Jillybean (jbean_gotmuse@yahoo.co.uk)
7 January 2005, 3:10 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jillybean.0107051510283.html
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monitor101
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 107
Location: Burbank

PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jillybean, damn good to see your still here. Good story very indepth on the Covenant. 10/10 no complaints.
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Jillybean
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Joined: 17 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn - I just submitted that two seconds ago!
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Havok
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

woah monitor 101 is back huh. i really wish i had more time to hang around and maybe even write another story or two. all you youngins....get your writing out before college. i have like a paper to write every week, usually two or three, and on the breaks from school i have to work. just a bit of advice from an old man. haha.
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LordsFire
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Joined: 28 Dec 2004
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Location: Da U.P.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Most disturbing. After starting this series I went over your archive, and spent the last 24 hours or so reading everything you have in there. My brain is screaming for more. Do you have any published works?

The only small gripe is how you somewhat rush through your fight sequences, but I think that is more a style thing, and you are more than entitled to your style.

Please do continue!
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Jillybean
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Joined: 17 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Published works - not yet - watch this space.
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Berconius
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Joined: 15 Aug 2004
Posts: 160
Location: New York/Ohio

PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really nice work. Your flow was very well detailed but not too much. Same with transitions.

The turtle manuever was pretty standard seeming, but I guess it makes sense in a society where personal shields and personal combat appear to be most heavily glorified. I don't mean that it's too unrealistic because it isn't, but I would think that he could've just yelled "Protect your Prophets" and the Jackals would form a wall of shields as a standard tactic.

Saammee's death seemed a bit quick since you didn't directly mention what he had been doing and when he killed Lana, but the rest of the combat seemed pretty well paced.

Impressive on the whole.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 10:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stupid shedule. I come here thinking "okay, fifteen more to go before the next update - I can get that tonight" and then there are like twelve more. Sheesh.

Anyway.
Heh. During that first scene I thought of Neo and Morhpeous. An experienced leader and an uprising pupil. Did you do that intentionally? It seems an odd coincidence if not.

I liked how you carried on a friendly conversation throughout, as well. A good use of writing space. Though, I thought it was somewhat sparse in details. For once, things could have been described more (part of my "wanting-more-alien" is surfacing); bodily, how the Sanghelli have trained with close-combat long, and so have developed things. You could have gone into a bit of historical explenation - about the weapon you chose and how it had come to your scene a bit more elaborately. Or how Fulsamee had been used to fighting a different way and with different things and so was not very adept in his atempts - just not used to it.
I guess just try to slow down a notch. Not too much, but just enough to get us more thoroughly entrenched into your story.

I noted a few small mistakes. Some with little things like puncuation and spaces. Others in places where the grammar sounded odd or there was a little repetition. But, not enough to distract me. But in a couple enough to make me pause.

Well, I thought up something else that was (yes, I know you tire of this subject) too normal for me to believe in a different society. Pillows. It is like I am reading of a different race . . . but set in an advanced human place. As much as we see different in what little we have to read and look at about the Covenant, I find it hard to picture Covies with day pillows.
Perhaps a trivial matter. But, the one main thing that hinders me from truly apreciating your story. I like it, but . . . oh bother.
Though, I did like the "twitching his upper mandible" thing. That, in physical terms, it exactly what I was looking for. Nothing big and monumental, just a little thing.


Overall, a very wonderful chapter. Slightly, just ever so much, blury during combat, but I'm guessing you didn't want to put all too much emphasis on it - it wasn't your main element. Just make sure to work hard; I know you can fix the small things I continue to notice.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 3:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I - I...

*faints again*
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Jillybean
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Joined: 17 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm. You're not going to like the next chap MCC . . . Cool

Pillows, daybeds, baths - I see what you're saying about this being an advanced society, but their ethos puts me in mind of a Victorian, (or what I'm aiming for) a Roman era - and that's what I try to reflect in the fashions of the time. Besides, don't you think that even aliens need comfort? Anti-grav cushions aren't very pretty.

Anyhoo, all duly noted
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, fine. I do understand what you are getting at, though. Incuding antigrav stuff and what not, or just making things up, just doesn't have that delux feel to it that some nice pillows or beds do. Baths, I can believe that. There isn't much way around that, and even when were up the hizzy in tech, I want to be able and hop in a hot-tub.

So, I suppose for the sake of your setting and mood of your convent, pillows would be dandy. Don't worry, I'll live . . . Wink

Just add something like thay are made from the down of the most flawless [random animal from random place] down/fur/hair/whatever. Like you did with your whole twitching of the upper mandible thing, suble things just like that are all that I am looking for.
I'm just picky that way.

Do keep working.
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 4:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will. See, children - this is how you use feedback. Ask about it and see what it is you reader feels needs help. They're usually right Very Happy
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Usually . . .
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Ark Night
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn Jilly!!! That chap of TPATW was kick ass!!! and I dont say that often!!!!!!!!!!
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monitor101
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It sounds like college is really tough. I can't wait!!!
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