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Third Marines, Harvest Campaing: Chapter One.

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:40 pm    Post subject: Third Marines, Harvest Campaing: Chapter One. Reply with quote

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Third Marines, Harvest Campaing: Chapter One.
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
7 January 2005, 6:14 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0107050614181.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, Andres, like I said before, this is awesome improvement, and the story-line is set up very well. You're now in a perfect place to start the 'heavy' stuff with your Marines/Characters.

Not much I can point out, we covered a lot already, so you're set so far. Don't forget, though, there's always room for improvement, and I can see the enormous potential in you and your writing.

Keep it up!

-Russ
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Andres
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Russ!
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that's a pretty strong beginning. I love comparisons, Andres - that was excellent!

I guess you're right - the weak get shovelled off to push papers and pack food on ships, the strong get to fight the evil galactic empire.

Interesting idea. I guess the marines' training has become a little more rushed now that Humanity is pressed for troops and manpower. And a little more brutal, as well.

This is pretty good, keep it up. Writing style seems to be a little reminiscent of John Grisham, aside from the interesting, yet effective way of formatting.

- Dave.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 4:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, I haven't really read Grisham. I might have to go and do some of that. That is, when I'm not reading Fan Fiction.

Well, I like how you are trying to give us an exact location, but, try to compress that location stamp a bit. It just looks a little jumbled and out of place when it is that large.

Better. Much better with the DI. Actually, it is not that that I was going to mention. I thought you could have used a bit more explenation in your paragraph where you told us how they came to be in this place. It could have been just a couple sentenses, it could have been a whole other paragraph. But, it could have used just a tad more.
Also, I think that when you are pulled out of cryo, you are woken up then. So, I don't think that they would be waking up on the way to the planet's surface. Though that does keep with a feeling like things were being rushed for necesity's sake. Like I said in my previous paragraph, just add more detail; that could have fixed it all together (but at this point, don't rewrite it, get a new chapter going).

You introduced those four main recruits well. While things could have been improve ever so slightly (don't worry about that for now), you did do well with mixing a brief introduction with fairly atequate information about them.

Watch out for small mistakes. You had too many of them (pah! one is too many!). Well, it just means that you need to get a more solid proofreading routine down. So, do that; proofread thoroughly and multiple times. And never skip your final oportunity to skim over your work and fix any small stuff with the "Preview Submission" option.
Also, if you don't already, try having your best friend read over your stuff. They, if they like reading, will be able to point stuff out to you - whether it be with a red pen or by telling you they don't quite understand something.

I see you have been watching your History Channel. Good. Often, writers stick strictly to the tech they are presented with in the game and books. I like that you are adopting material that our military is working on right now. Nicely done.
But, do smooth things out a bit with your explenations. You don't want a list. Try introducing a gadet or unfamilar feature through narrative and purposeful (through use) intros.

Watch how you use those transitions. Most of yours were fine, but the one where you switched from... Commodore Matthews to... Marshall Edmonds was out of place. Not a lot of time elapsed, and since you mentioned him directly in the previous segment, there was no need to really point out his location. That could have been done with a couple sentenses of discrete narrative.
So, for that kind of thing, just us a horizontal rule or other transition tool. But, not a whole 'stamp.


Overall, this was pretty good. You did a good job. It kinda seemed like it went by kinda fast, for the events of a single story. I think, for furture reference, it would be good to just give us a prologue or something (in your case, a prologue could have been as simple as using your recruits' arrival or as complex as using that and briefly introducing some of your Navy guys). Now I know you can improve greatly, so I expect you to work hard to fix your mistakes this time. Good luck, and may the Schwarts be with you (or at least us Regulars).
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 5:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That reminded me (MCC's post). I also like how you take current, yet advanced, technologies in our current time, remodel them for the future, and use them in your stories. It shows you have good initiative with details that are not original to Halo (games or books).

-Russ
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 6:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I guess the marines' training has become a little more rushed now that Humanity is pressed for troops and manpower. And a little more brutal, as well.


-The marines haven't even met the enemy yet. The Covenant don't ever land on Harvest, and of the three ships that investigate only one makes it home.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A good point made by Mainevent. Always read carefully and watch your stroryline and details you include for it. In those types of cases, since you are drawing off of a set storyline and plot (time-line), you have to adhere pretty strictly to what we know.

That is, if you are trying to explain something that has only been mentioned. Following a time-line is not necessary when you are making up something completely (or mostly) new.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, either you rewrite history, or try and explain it as some undocumented case. I didn't even think of that (what Mainevent said) earlier.

My best advice, Andres, is to continue as if they were still going to Harvest, but quickly get detoured for any number of reasons to a System nearby; the biggest reason I can think of is because the planets do in fact get glassed.

But I'll leave the thinking up to you. You're the author, so the choice is yours, but remember how it fits in with the original Halo timeline of events and try and base your corrections off of that. Again, I'm around for help, as is Dave.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

russ687 wrote:
Again, I'm around for help, as is Dave.


Question Exclamation Surprised Mad

Hey now. Never forget: I'm here, too.
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