HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

Unknown Hero Part 1 Ch 2
Posted by Cpt Crapper (aznintegra023@yahoo.com)
7 January 2005, 4:44 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=cpt_crapper.0107050444573.html

[monitor101]

LOL Snake Pliskin, "Escape from New York" classic movie. good 9/10.

[MC's Cousin]

Watch that grammar and flow. For instance, in just your first paragraph, you switched tenses.
Now, part of that may have been that you were having your character read from a file. Well, you have to indicate that in some way. Put it in bold, or separate it from what your real character is doing. Having it all together can get confusing.
But, also, you should have kept the tense constant in what was the file. It wasn't and so it looked kind of odd. Fix that kind of stuff.

Things went by a little fast. Try to slow them down. Set it at a nice easy-going pace. That way, it is easier to follow and get into.
To help with this, try adding more details. Describe more, and explain more when the situation permits. But, just make sure not to get repedetive while you do it; I saw a little bit of that already.

Don't put thought into quotation marks. It can throw the reader off. Use italics or something instead.

Ah, unless I misread somewhere in tFoR, those, supposed, two different sniper rifles are the same thing. The full name is "SRS99C-S2 AM Sniper Rifle". One in the same weapon.

Be careful with your descriptions. You tended to explain through things, kinda narrating them instead of describing them for us. That was telling instead of showing - a bad thing.
So, try not to just go through with a series of jerky sentenses. Let one flow into the next, and lend to the sucess and purpose of the others.

Try to avoid using ALL CAPS to describe yelling/shouting. Use some descriptive words, not all those big letters. It is actually harder to read, and just doen't look all that great in with the rest of the text.


Overall, it was okay, but you need to work for better than okay. Improve your plot a bit, too; try and lend your whole story to it, and not just mention bits of it here and there - that could help out a lot. To improve, just work your hardest and use any and all advice you are given; the harder you work, the more you will improve. Good luck.
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-MCC