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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Zofinda
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Joined: 29 Nov 2004
Posts: 41
Location: On my ass eating FunYuns...
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 Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Thats a great poem-story, although- it was hard for to follow at times but thats probably because i read to fast. It is a nice mix-up to the often seen all action and gore stories on here. Id like to see some more stories from you , keep it up. |
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Berconius
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Joined: 15 Aug 2004
Posts: 160
Location: New York/Ohio
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| Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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To zofinda: Search his name. He's got a a couple more.
Anyway, you chose an interesting thing to write about, Mr. Bill. Contemplation, flashback, and heavy imagery isn't stuff I usually see around here, to say the least. I got a vaguely sappy feel from this like a film noir. Not as strong, though. Cool.
Unrelated to this work, will you be writing about Damius in the foreseeable future? |
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mr bill
is a step away from a ban.
Joined: 01 Aug 2004
Posts: 0
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| Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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| I donno... actaully talking to Vec40 right now about doing something together... see what he has planned... |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:18 am Post subject: |
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Good to see somethin' by you, mr bill. I was wondering where you had gotten to.
I do enjoy your poetic use of words. Very nice.
I noted a few places where flow or grammar or punctuation kind of made the sentense sound off. So, as little as this will mean, just check over things more thoroughly - which I know you already must do. Do you hand it off to anyone? If you don't, I would suggest it. If you do, I'll just cope with the fact that a person can't catch everything.
ie:
| You wrote: | | Human I can only struggle against this awful night. |
I thought just a single coma could have fixed the problem in this sentense. It just didn't make sense - when I used straight forward reading.
| You wrote: | | Drifting smog mixed exhaust turned the horizon orange . . . |
I think there should have been a "with" in there. Once again, just a small mistake, but it does take away from things - of not very slightly.
I was actually startled and disapointed when I came to the end. I had barely noticed the bar scroll down to the bottom. So, my majoy complaint is that it was too short.
Overall, a great piece of work. I have taken notice of the habit you seem to have of including a great deal of symbolism and emotion [turmoil] in your stories. I cannot remember the title, but I read some series a little while back by you. This doesn't seem as refined, but it is still good, to be sure.
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mr bill
is a step away from a ban.
Joined: 01 Aug 2004
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| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:31 am Post subject: |
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| MC's Cousin wrote: | | I thought just a single coma could have fixed the problem in this sentense. It just didn't make sense - when I used straight forward reading. |
You're right there... a comma would have worked.
| MC's Cousin wrote: | | I think there should have been a "with" in there. Once again, just a small mistake, but it does take away from things - of not very slightly. |
Nope, that's exactly how I wanted it to be.
I agree... very short. *Just* creeps in over the word limit. |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:36 am Post subject: |
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. . . Okay. But, it didn't make all that much sense to me in a grammatical sense when I read it. I even went over it and its context a couple times. Well, maybe I'll just have to adjust to your style a bit more.
. . . Ah, okay. My bad. Exhaust mixed with drifting smog? It makes more sense now. But . . . oh bother.
Don't worry about it; I'm not in much of a poetic mindset. Nor am I used to your way of presenting material.
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mr bill
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Joined: 01 Aug 2004
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| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 2:09 am Post subject: |
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| MC's Cousin wrote: | | Well, maybe I'll just have to adjust to your style a bit more. |
No, I think you're 100% right in that case. There really should be a comma there 
In the second case however, it really is a matter of style- that's how the sentance played out. I don't think a 'with' would have worked as well, if that clears things up a bit. |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 3:52 am Post subject: |
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I wasn't refering to the coma in the case of style.
But, in the second case (yeah, this is getting repedetive) I do see your point. Having it say:
| Quote: | | Drifting smog mixed with exhaust turned the horizon orange . . . |
-Would take away from the pose you had going; it would have indeed taken away from the feel.
| Quote: | | Slowly drifting exhaust-ridden smog sat on the horizon, turning the boundry between land and sky a blazing orange . . . |
-Is more along the lines of what I would have liked. But, it does seem less poetic than would have fit in.
I suppose the transition between "Drifting" and "smog mixed exhaust" just kinda threw me off. I wasn't expecting it, and didn't know exactly how I should read it.
Repeating myself, in this case (not the coma) I will have to adjust to your distinct style - as you most certainly have one.
I'll have to reserve further judgement for future posts, I suppose. Though, I didn't have any "problems" like that in your last series. Oh well.
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mr bill
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Joined: 01 Aug 2004
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| Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2005 4:15 am Post subject: |
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As always, thanks for the points- I'll try to figure out some way of incoprating both grammitical persicion, and style.
As for the coma thing, well, that'd just be the task of review review review. |
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mr bill
is a step away from a ban.
Joined: 01 Aug 2004
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| Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 6:22 pm Post subject: |
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I'd just like to add- as I keep re-reading this piece, that I think it's my new favorite of my stuff.
I don't know, I just really like the way it turned out. |
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