HBO Fan Fiction

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Dead juggurnaut walking.Part 1 of 2
Posted by Mr.Revenge (jaime@Aol.com)
6 January 2005, 12:50 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mr.revenge.0106050050361.html

[(Na)Marl]

--Oh, oh, oh! Not good. Not good at all. No Code, no detail, millions of grammer mistakes. You didn't even proofread this, did you? Doesn't look like it.
--Okay, usually I would tell you to use the Code first off. That's not the case here. I will instead tell you to use the English grammer and typing system. You need to double space after every sentence, and, the thing that bugs me the most, you need to add quotation marks in your speeches. You can't just say
Hello. Bob said.
Hi. said Chris.
I like SAntra said joseph.
You need to say "Hello," said Bob. Stuff like that.
--Okay, NOW the Code. This willl make your story more proffesional is if you indent. It makes you look like a moron when you don't. If you use block style paragraphing, that's fine, but include at least one thing in your story that's bolded or italicized to show you know the Code.
--You need to spell out the small numbers like 3. That would be three, okay?
--I'll let the regulars handle the rest.

[SYSTEM]

This is not good. This is not good.

Mr. Revenge, you're going to have to go back to elementary school and start fresh. This isn't proper English at all. No quotation marks, no setting, no plot, no story.

I don't mean to be cruel, but everything in this has fallen below standards for grammar and spelling. Flow is terrible, everything's in single-sentences, and it's all one big summary. Learn how to write short stories first, and remember that you're writing for an audience that has shot through Robert Ludlum, Tom Clancy, Jane Austen, William Golding, and more.

Now, I'm always here to help you improve. But before you try writing, I'd like you to learn how to write short things properly. And don't tell me you were pressed for time, that excuse won't work.

Go look at "Present Darkness" By Russ687. That should give you an idea of how to write thrillers. But don't try action. As of now, you're going to need to learn how to write how a kid walks to school before you can try action, because none of us here appreciate action. We're not kids, you realize.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[MC's Cousin]

Grammar and proper writing essentials are indeed what I would suggest you learn to use well first.
Learn to cap your proper nouns. This includes species, ship names, most guns, vehicles; not just names.
Don't abbreviate ranks, either. Spell them out. It looks and reads better, as well as apearing more professional. Same goes with numbers.
Punctuation as well. Dialogue punctuation is especially important. Without it, we cannot tell who is speaking or even what they are really saying.

I can tell you simply typed this up in the submission form and posted it without much of a thought. This is a bad thing. Because you didn't go over it, or let it sit on your computer long enough for you to develop your own story in your mind, there were numerous mistakes.
Missing letters, confusing sentense structure, all things that could have been easily fixed, by someone who has taken English clases, by just a few read-overs.
You need to do this next time. Even just a WP Spell-checker would help greatly.

Slow down. Don't rush right into things. I atually thought that your idea for a plot was a good one; but you didn't explain or exfoliate it at all in your story. You briefly stated the problem and shot off - and you did so at such a pace that you couldn't even keep up with yourself, as it seems.

My best advice to you would be to go read some of the authors that Dave mentioned. I would suggest Clancy, but maybe that is just my personal preference.
Reading a good and established author and seeing how they do things could greatly help you to improve and see your own errors.


Overall, well, I hate to say it, but this wasn't all that great. Perhaps you had good intentions, but you need to learn how to put your thoughts to paper before posting them. Work your hardest to improve, and when you think you are really ready again, post another, and we will see how much effort you really put forth. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC

[SYSTEM]

Well, Mr. Revenge, it's good that you've got the courage to put something up on the Internet in front of complete strangers, but it doesn't hold up.

Before you go on, I suggest brushing up on those reading skills. The more you read, (and the heavier the stuff you read) the more you'll develop.

Literature should never be rushed.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[MC's Cousin]

Agreed.

Sometimes, you have to start from sratch as a writer. In those cases, or any other actually, you just have to gradually work yourself up. The more diligently you work, and the more determined you are to improve, the more rapidly and sucessfully you will do so.

If in doubt, just start working on the basics. Don't take on more than you can chew.
_________________
-MCC