HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Long Time Gone 33
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
5 January 2005, 7:17 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.01050507175733.html

[MC's Cousin]

It is about time I got to these stories down here.

Sorry about your predicament. But, in the meantime, just use whatever comments you get, improve your next chapter(s), and then post a single new one. Wait for new reviews, repeat process. Don't rush ahead. Wait - or at least go back and diligently improve your stuff that has been already written.


Okay. Watch our for repdetiveness. I noticed this a lot with your characters. You used the same term for them in most every situation.
Part of that could be fixed by adding more meat, and then repetitions are a bit more diluted. Thus they are less noticed.
But, to add meat, you need to add more details. And that is something that I was going to suggest anyway. Your detail is good, but it could be better. Spice things up, describe more, explain more, go ahead and give us the inside scoop. And slow things down. Don't think you have to speed up your combat for us - its fast enough by itself.

Well, your combat was rushed and a tad confusing. I could just barely keep track of everything.
That could be fixed by what I mentioned above. Just put more into your battles (adding on to what you have, not new stuff). Sure, your first time you do things may be a little too far, but that is better than too little. So, try that.

As great as it fit your story and characters bravado, going into unknown territory alone is not something any Marine is gonna do when they have men available for an assist.
This type of thing isn't fun and games; thus treat it like it is a real situation. Real people dying, and real bullets flying.

Emotion, too. Try to get the reader caught up in the action, instead of just reading about it.
For instance, I sensed nearly no emotional conflict when Chris had to kill Alison. A man who is truly in love - training or not - is not just gonna kill someone he loves willy-nilly. But, that wasn't the problem, it was that you made him not care, like he had forgotten everything that had happened up to this time in the story.
You could have gotten a really nice plot twist going if you had him lie to his CO and help Alison escape.
Think about those types of things.


Overall, it was okay, but it still needs to me improved. But, the good news is that I see improvement, gradually, everytime. So, if you work hard, you can speed up that rate of improvement a bit, and get even better. Get to work as soon as you feel fit.
_________________
-MCC

[fallschirmjager]

Um, the bit with Alison did you notice from WHERE I said Chris got the new magazine from? Or what he did just before the mission?
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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?

[MC's Cousin]

Whoops. Yup, that would be a loophole. But, I didn't catch it. I was reading fast, I guess was the cause. In any case, it did kind of sound like he blatently shot her - with real stuff, just the way you described it.

I just let myself get confused I guess.

Well, if you did have a little bit in there about that that I didn't catch, that might have been my bad, but make sure you have some clarification. Sure, I know you want to keep people wondering, but if it is only something you are aware of an expect other people to know and fully understand, that could be a problem.

I'll be more vigilent about that kind of thing in the future, but still, I read fairly thoroughly, and I didn't catch it. So . . .
_________________
-MCC