HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Long Time Gone 32
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
4 January 2005, 6:53 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.01040506535232.html

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 7:31 am Post subject:

I got a little confused in this one. Are teh ODST now rouge or something?
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

fallschirmjager · Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 7:40 am Post subject:

No from the last one they are an ONI hit team...
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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 7:49 am Post subject:

Oh Ok. Must of mist it.
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Good. You used more detail in there. I noted that on the very first paragraph. You did a lot more than you used to; good expansion. But, now that you have done that, there is another issue: flow. In adding more details, you have to be careful to make sure the writing is still smooth. Yours was okay - in that it did not have any major and grossly noticeable problems here - but still work on smoothing things out as well as you can.
The smoother a story flows, the easier and more pleasant is to read.

But, you still could have added just a tad more detail. Now, for now, you are showing progress, so I don't want to push you or anything, but try providing us with a short sentense of history. How long had they been talking, for instance.
Try slowing things down a bit to hep fix that. Taking your time and not rushing events could help a lot. Make sure you progress at a good, steady pace; but one that is easy to follow along with, as well.

Watch dialogue, too. Make sure not to use repedetive terms. You started a lot with just "Chris."

Remember to always spell out those general numbers. If it is not some super fancy complicated thing like "2,395,518" then it is okay and a good thing to spell it out.

Overall, a lot better, but you still need to work on getting even better. Work hard on this next one, and if you would, take a post break. Don't post for one update, and just let your ideas and current story develop. Don't write ahead for now, just wait for comments, and improve your next story with the advice you get.
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-MCC