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Long Time Gone 32

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 12:25 am    Post subject: Long Time Gone 32 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone 32
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
4 January 2005, 6:53 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.01040506535232.html
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 7:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got a little confused in this one. Are teh ODST now rouge or something?
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 7:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No from the last one they are an ONI hit team...
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 7:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh Ok. Must of mist it.
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 12:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good. You used more detail in there. I noted that on the very first paragraph. You did a lot more than you used to; good expansion. But, now that you have done that, there is another issue: flow. In adding more details, you have to be careful to make sure the writing is still smooth. Yours was okay - in that it did not have any major and grossly noticeable problems here - but still work on smoothing things out as well as you can.
The smoother a story flows, the easier and more pleasant is to read.

But, you still could have added just a tad more detail. Now, for now, you are showing progress, so I don't want to push you or anything, but try providing us with a short sentense of history. How long had they been talking, for instance.
Try slowing things down a bit to hep fix that. Taking your time and not rushing events could help a lot. Make sure you progress at a good, steady pace; but one that is easy to follow along with, as well.

Watch dialogue, too. Make sure not to use repedetive terms. You started a lot with just "Chris."

Remember to always spell out those general numbers. If it is not some super fancy complicated thing like "2,395,518" then it is okay and a good thing to spell it out.


Overall, a lot better, but you still need to work on getting even better. Work hard on this next one, and if you would, take a post break. Don't post for one update, and just let your ideas and current story develop. Don't write ahead for now, just wait for comments, and improve your next story with the advice you get.
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