HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Guerilla: The Truce Shall Set You Free... Or Something
Posted by Mainevent
3 January 2005, 2:46 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mainevent.0103050246145.html

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 7:24 am Post subject:

Again. I like this where this plots going. Please. COntinue. I like the story.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

Sgt Scope077 · Member Joined: 05 Jan 2005 Posts: 25 Location: Walled Lake

10/10 Love it. Great plot. Cant wait 4 the next one.

sam_fisha · Member Joined: 21 Dec 2004 Posts: 300 Location: A gutter

Exellent, I await another.

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 4:35 am Post subject:

YA USED ME!!! YA USED ME!!!! Wow thats great that you used my name in your story but if you are next time please ask me and spell my name right. But I love this story so it doesn't matter Very Happy

Great to be in it.

Bronzemage · Member Joined: 30 Dec 2004 Posts: 100

Holy Crap it's great!

Post! More! Now!

HoZ · Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 8:24 pm Post subject:

er... WOW! w00t

Mainevent · Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 9:32 pm Post subject:

I didn't USE you. I used a character with a similar name.

And thanks for the positive comments.

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 10:05 pm Post subject:

Commander Demitry Wolf, hmmm, sounds familiar. Meh its cool. w00t I'm on the Seventh Column!!!

Mainevent · Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 3:43 am Post subject:

Yar, the coolest ship ever. Next to the Suncoast of course.

Chuckles · Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 6:59 am Post subject:

Nice, as usual. You bring the reader into the Halo universe better than anyone else I have read. It seemed to me that your writing was a bit halting this time, as if you had too many short sentences. For that reason, this one lacked some of the flow that the first one had. Also, your dialogue seemed stunted and unrealistic, and was the only aspect that distracted me from the story.

Wow, that is a lot of complaint for an excellent chapter Wink

I will continue to follow this series. Great job.

C.T. Clown

thedarkfire · Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 11:49 pm Post subject:

As always, bawsome.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

A few small mistakes; capitalization, and what not. Just make sure to try and work all that stuff out. It's not big, but, as you know, little things add up.

Here's a brief tip. Try combining related words. Like "two seven foot somthing behemoths" could be turned into "two seven-foot-something behemoths". It's just that little tiny thing that makes it a little better here and there. And right now, that is the kind of thing you should be working on - as most of the major stuff is fine.
Another small thing is putting periods after an abbreviation. That can become a distraction and look a little cluttered. So, instead of "E.T.A." just use "ETA". Its simplicity is its benefit.

I agree with Chuckles that some of your sentenses were . . . clipped, or something. Your wording and sentense structure was just a tad off. So, the effect this has was to lower your overall flow.
Did you rush this chapter? Well, intentionally or not, you may well have. So, as you write your next story (or go over it in the case it has already been written) be sure to give it ample time to develop and improve itself before you post it.
I'd rather wait for a really good chapter than have rapidly posted just-good ones.

Yeah, the dialogue was slightly off, too. It was like it was a tad too straight-forward. Just subtle emotion and slight word changes could give it an entirely different feel. As well as what you describe after the dialogue that directly pertains to it.

Was Mendez a Master Chief? I thought he was just a Chief Petty Officer. Hmm. I might have to check that.

Overall, very nice, I liked it. But, the previous was a tad better; so, just work as hard as you can on your next. And take your time, don't think you have to get another story out as fast as you can write it. Good luck; and keep it up.
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-MCC

Odin of SoS. · Member Joined: 27 Nov 2004 Posts: 85 Location: Iraq

ya prolly wont read this,
but great job
im actually in the marine corps right now
4th Marine Expeditionary Brigade
Anti-Terrorism Battalion
Charlie company
3rd platoon
3rd squad
1st fireteam
SAW gunner
oorah!

its awesome
im actually trying to find time to get back into this mess
a whole helluva lotta new ppl and not many of the oldies
ill try an keep up but my companys in build up to deploy in sept.
ill see ya around bro

Sterfrye36 · Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 4:07 am Post subject:

Good to see you back, Odin! Cool

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