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The Priestess and the Warrior - Debutante Freedom
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 12:24 am    Post subject: The Priestess and the Warrior - Debutante Freedom Reply with quote

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The Priestess and the Warrior - Debutante Freedom
Posted by Jillybean (jbean_gotmuse@yahoo.co.uk)
2 January 2005, 5:42 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jillybean.0102051742412.html
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Berconius
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found some spelling mistakes about half way through where you use "wood" instead of "would" and such that a spellchecker would miss. No other notable erros, though.

The humour and customs give it a very human feel. Adds to the feeling of this being a real society. Very cool. Depressing kind of note to end on but it works to reinforce that this isn't just for laughs anyway.

We'll be talking about this series for years. Very Happy
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 2:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very VERY Good, equally as good as the first, if not better. The little intricacies of Covenant life was brilliant and I think you did a great job with the relationships of characters, keep it up Jilly, otherwise I'll cry.
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Wraith_Coldfire
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 2:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:

"Ooohhhh myyyyyyyy Brute shot got no shot, no shot, the shot not got my Brute shot not,
All around the deck hands sing
About the Brute shot not got shot no Brutes!
They tell about that shotless Brute with got not shot that Brute shot not
And asked about that not shot Brute got not
I said shot not Brute did the Brute shot, but the Brute shot hot the Brute not shot but Brute not shot shot!"


Oh my god, I loved it! That was brilliant!
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 4:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*bows in her presence*


Oh, Supreme Ruler! Another success!
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Zeta
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 5:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know if I'll ever be able to kill another Elite. >:p
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LordsFire
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 8:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Drool.

You are building a full social structure, and a most excellent one as well. Not only do you captivate without any flash gun-battles or such, but you build characters that are both understandable and likable.

Please, WRITE MUCHLY MORE!!!
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 12:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

See kids; this is a priome example of FanFic that does not have to be filled with gory battles to be good and of high quality. Its the writing and story itself that counts.

"Prophet on deck!" Well, I don't like that because it sounds too human a term for me. I like having an emotional connection to Elites, I love the guys, but I also enjoy having a really distinct feel that separates them from humans. You have it, but stuff like that quote there just take some of it away for me.

I liked how you stuck with the constant narrative through that speach thing. It really kept me in the mind of the Elite well. It also pleased me in that I didn't want to really read a whole speach anyway.


Overall, it was good. I think about the same as the last; but perhaps that is just me. Keep up the good work though - but don't forget that no one is perfect (yeah, I have seen your sig).
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 1:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh Jilly. If only everyone had your writing skills. This WOULD be a wonderous place.
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 1:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh, I tone down the perfection for day to day writing Wink

Thanks guys. And I agree, "Prophet on deck" is too human sounding . . . I'll tweak that in later chapters.

(It's very difficult trying to muster empathy for these enemies while trying to keep them alien - I'm loving it Very Happy)
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Andres
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 3:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How about a good old royal anouncement:

"My brothers, his holiness the Prophet of Asswipe"
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love what you did with emotions - don't change that. I suppose what would make it more "alien" for me would be a little bit more occasional detail about their differing appearances (there were many times when you described them interacting, and I thought just a subtle bit about their skin would have been enough - just to keep us aware these are a completely different species)
And yeah, the dialogue would make things a lot better. That is actually what is the normal difining line between believable Covies and non: the dialogue shared between them.

But, do keep it up Jilly.

By the way; how's it feel to be part of the actual HBO team now? Congrats.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 1:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You are? Good job Jilly!
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FaithPlusOne
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 1:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like both your stories a lot, but I find that they could both be improved with more description. There's a lot of dialogue (Which, with few exceptions is very well done) but not enough description of characters or settings, merely enough for one to see what's going on.

Your characters and emotions are very well done, however. The Sangheili drinking song was awesome.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 2:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And I was shakin' at the knees...

I've been...

THUNDERSTRUCK!


You know, it's incredible what Jilly's cranked out. At such a remarkable pace too!

I love this, really. Finally, a series with no action, just the real, awesomeness of one hundred percent JillyBean. That earned ya' a bonus, there, Jill.



One type-o, but feh, although that nets a massive penalty, it doesn't take away from the general greatness of a fick.

Ahh... if only kids today could ever learn to appreciate the value of the written word....

- Dave.
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