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Seven Down, Eight to Go

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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 12:24 am    Post subject: Seven Down, Eight to Go Reply with quote

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Seven Down, Eight to Go
Posted by Adyagos (
2 January 2005, 7:35 AM
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 12:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmmmm. No.

This story did not do well at all because:

a. No use of the CODE meaning your formatting was messed up.

b. Story-line was very weak; in fact, I don't think there was one.

c. Weak character developement.

d. Dialogue was rather childish.

e. Your descriptions were about as good as your dialogue.

This is appearently some attempt a humor (?) or descriptions of a multi-player game you did (?) or maybe, even possibly, an actual story. I'm not sure which of those fits the mold, but your writing was well under par.

Here's what you need to do. Look on this very page for a story by Mainevent, read it, then notice the differences. Notice the formatting, the dialogue, the descriptions...then go to the Library, under "Fiction" novels, find any one with Tom Clancy on it. Read it, and again notice the difference. Finally, ask someone around here who knows what the hell's going on to help proof-read your next piece.

When all this happens (should take you about a week, nothing big), and I see another post by you, I can come back and point out all the stuff you did good, not stuff you did bad. As usual:

Don't Take This Personally.

Understand my point of view, and understand the things you did wrong. If you do that, and write your next piece with what I provided above, you will have moved up significantly in the HBO Fanfic world.

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Joined: 29 Nov 2004
Posts: 41
Location: On my ass eating FunYuns...

PostPosted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 4:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Happy Lollipop was not happy.

That made me laugh but overall, it was.....iffy.
Keep trying though.
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
Posts: 300
Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 1:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry but I have to agree with russ and that other guy there. Although you did do a good thing by opening a new paradigm by using a multiplayer game as a setting I do think you should make some changes.
(See what russ said) And maybe browse around the fan fics for some of the better writers, mainevent definatley being among them.
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Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

sry bout double post.

Also don't get discouraged. (sorry if thats cheesy) Just keepwriting, or typing in this case. THE MATRIX HAS ME!
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The Hammer

Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3737
Location: Sierra Hotel.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kid, lemme take you a bit more into writing.

There's no such thing as an action Fick. (And let me introduce you to my trademark, the use of a 'K' in 'Fick.')

Hands down. No questions asked. Sure, it's nice to have a little bam-bam and a little pow-pow in your fiction, but what's a story?

A story revolves around plot, setting and dialogue, not action and guns. Detail's also important. Remember who you're writing for. Kids might take to this quickly, but we're different here. We're big-time bookworms, pouring over literature when everyone else is enjoying an excessively violent computer game.

Your storyline or plot, is nonexistent.

Your story doesn't even feature a setting, or even a bland implication to one. For all I know, these kids could be in the Tim Horton's Joint on Bay Street, a mundane setting. Or they could be in some exotic planet far, far away. But you didn't tell us.

Now, I'm glad you used one Italic tag. But that's not qualified as formatting. It shows you skimmed over the guidelines, which is very good, but it doesn't show you have ever taken the time to read high-end thrillers, or even take into account the indentation used in picturebooks. that makes your story one that's all jumbled and illegible.

Spelling mistakes just dominate your set'ta random words. "Missile" is spelled as "M-I-S-S-I-L-E." Grammar, flow, repetition, everything's stagnant.

Dialogue, as Russ pointed out, is quite juvenile, and is NOT at all suitable for any sort of story. Unless your characters are kids, then they shouldn't talk like that.

Look, I know this all seems like I'm making a personal attack on you. To tell you the truth, I'm not trying to be mean. This is your first piece of fiction, and I'll spare the 'Comment page full of bad jokes,' but if you ever want a promising career here, you're going to need to put forth LOTS of effort.

If you ever want your name to be in lights up here, you're going to have to work for it, not just wish for it and hope for the best. And don't tell me you have a whole series planned. A thousand poorly-written stories count for nothing.

So, work. Work, work, and work. Don't get too discouraged by this one bad one. Most writers here get off to a lousy start, then their careers go uphill from here, if they listen to the advice of others. Sure, once or twice, they might slip, but if you persevere, you'll always shine, and one day, perhaps your name will be in lights.

- Dave.
SYSTEM | HBOFF Administrator | "Anytime, Baby!"

I apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. I will get to you shortly.
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337

Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

While you read through this and the other comments, it is important, as already mentioned, not to become discouraged by the stuff we point out that is wrong. It is only to be expected. We are doing this not because we want to make you feel bad about your skill, but because we want to see your skill improve as a writer.
But, this will only happen if and when you take up the advice we give you. You need improvement, just like most of the writers who come here. But, with some hard work and determination, and of course a love for reading, writing, and Halo, you will get better and better.
Keep that in your mind when you write a story: one day you could be the next Mainevent, or CoLd BlooDed, or . . . no not Helljumper. But you could be one of the next great authors here. Show us that you care about your writing by improving it. If you post another that looks the same, people are gonna notice that you are not listening to them. So, always take heed of what we are telling you.

Here's a great thing to go out and do: read a good book. Believe it or not, simply reading a good novel will improve your skills. Because as you read through poperly written stuff, you will get an idea for what good writing should look like. You will also start gaining inspriation from the great things you see in the books you read.
Tom Clancy is a great example for Halo FF. He writes very good fiction, with a good doce of military in it. So, I encourage you to go out and seek a very good book. It may take a few weeks, but it will most certainly be worth your time.

Plot. Something I have noticed is that most MP Fics don't have much of a plot. That is because the author restricts themselves to the game itself. If we all did that, our stories would be crap; not to mention repedetive. Here, you have to be creative and come up with something entertaining and original.
Now, writing using a MP map as a setting is not at all a bad idea. It can be a good one, actually. Since you are just starting, you can use the map for inspiration in the setting elements and all that sort of stuff. In your case, a good foundation is something that you want to look for to put into your stories.

Spell out numbers. This is actually part of a much bigger element of writing: flow. You need to improve yours.
Flow is how your words, sentenses, and even - in some cases - paragraphs come together to form coherent text. To make flow work, you must be careful in your choice of words, grammar, and puncuation.

Some stuff you just don't put in a story. Dialogue is a fair way to discern someones personality, but it is a very good idea not to include "n00b-speak" in an actual fic.

Whoa, watch out how you transition between characters. I found myself getting quite confused with those different characters. I could not figure out which was which, which was doing what/thinking what, or anything about what was going on between them all.
So, you need to be careful and make sure to clearly describe everything that you have your characters do.
Detail has a big part in this. You want to make sure that you have good detail that portreys a vivid image to the reader. So what we call all get a picture painted in our minds by your writing. Without this picture, we cannot get a good idea (because we can't visualize it) of everything that is going on. That was your main problem in a lot of places.

Formatting, too. While, yes, you must have used one bit of coding, you need to use the entirety of the Code.
Indents especially; that is what you seem to need the most.

Overall, this was an okay first fic. But, as you have probable noted, since we have pointed out all sorts of mistakes, you do require some improvement and experience. So, as I stated in the beginning, work up your talents, and work hard; slackers will not progress as writers.
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