HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Mist: Chapter 1

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 12:22 am    Post subject: Mist: Chapter 1 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Mist: Chapter 1
Posted by Winters (patpan04@yahoo.com)
30 December 2004, 9:06 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=winters.1230040906352.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great that you used the Code, but you don't have to tell us what you use each text effect for. We know. There are certain things you use italics and bold for, and when we see them used properly, we know.
But, I did notice a spot in your story that sounded like, and had to have been, a thought; but it wasn't in italics, and it was sitting in a paragraph to itself. That is just a formatting error. Fix those.
Now, I'm just guessing that you didn't use indents for an actual reason. Perhaps it is your writing style. But, if not, use them. It is just a great element of formatting.


An interesting setting. Though, I actually sat down and thought about a figure-eight kind of orbit. I don't really think that it would work. For one, a planet would be looking for the most stable orbit possible, and a figure-eight is not it. It would end up orbiting around one or the other.
Further, one of the suns would have to be orbiting around the other one. Two suns just don't sit around beside eachother.
Now, a way to make this work would have been to do a set up like Sol. Except, instead of a gas-giant, the other Juipter-positioned planet would be a small sun. There you go. Magentic fields and something that sounds more atronomically correct.

I do commend your explenation, though. You didn't get into enough detail to start having to make stuff up. But, at the same time, you left enough out as to not be quite believable.

I couldn't really buy into the idea that Covie ships would just sit around and "keep and eye one things" either. They just don't think like that. They would have done something to try and take the Humans out.
It might have even been sending in a huge wave of dropships, boarding craft, and Seraphs to invade the world and spacestations/ships.
Covies are agressive that way. Like I said, I can't picture them jsut sitting around and watching.
You did have them attacking, but the feel you gave the starting text was that they wouldn't/couldn't do much of anything. Then you jumped into them attacking the planet with ground troops. That would be an example of inconsistant mood and feel.


Watch those descriptions. You started to get repdetive in many of them. And that draws away from the quality of the writing. So, be careful to phrase things well, and use varying terms.
In the same respect, watch your flow. Part of it was the repedetiveness, but another part of it was your wording. A single word in a sentense can throw off flow. So, you have to word things carefully to make sure and have a good smooth-reading sentense.
Try reading things aloud to yourself to help find those kinds of mistakes.

Spell out numbers.

Try to improve that dialogue, too. You had what they said, and then what they did in separate paragraphs. It is okay to combine small stuff like that.
Example:
Quote:
"Get that artillary down range, pronto!"

Corporal Mannings was getting irritated; not only at the situation, but at the seeming inability of the green troops under him to follow orders.

See? I split up what he said, and then the accompanying action/thought process. Don't do that; if it is related, it is okay to stick it together. Like:
Quote:
"Get that artillary fire down-range, pronto!" Corporal Mannings ordered; he was getting irritated - not only at the situation, but at the seeming inability of the green-troops under his command to follow orders.

See now? All compressed up and such.
But, there are also situations where you don't do this. Do not attach dialogue to a whole set of actions - only to those connected with the speach itself.
Example:
[quote]"Boley: get that fifty-cal going! Now!" Mannings shouted over the impact of plasma morters, before one of them impacted just a few meters beside him. The Corporal was sent flying two meters and into the dusty dirt from the shockwave, throwing his rifle just out of his reach. As he shook his head and looked back up, he knew he would need it. What looked like a whole company of Covenant soldiers were advancing in-front of the covering Wraith-tanks.[quote]
That's just all bunched up, and it doesn't need to be. A good author needs to learn when to separate and when to combine dialogue. Instead of what I just wrote, try something more like:
Quote:
"Boley: get that fifit-cal going! Right now!" shouted Mannings over the thunderous impact of plasma morters - right before one of the giant blue-orbs struck the ground just five meters to his left.
The Corporal was sent flailing into the air, landing on his back two meters away in a mix of dirt and charred earth. His BR55 clattered to a rest just out of the Marine's reach - and he would need it soon. Shaking the near shell-shock from his head, Paul looked up, back at the situation arrayed before him. What appeared to be a company-strengh Covenant assault force was advancing rapidly up the slope, covered by what looked like a wall of Wraith-tanks.

See what I'm getting at? Good.


Overall, this was actually pretty good. Add a bit more plot in there, and fix those mistakes, and this could be a good series. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group