HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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A Series of Poems: Darkness Erupts Mini-Series: Poem One
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
28 December 2004, 10:05 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.1228042205115.html

my head is gone · Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 7:46 pm Post subject:

wow im first. i thought the first was great. on the second i would have said
"few..." instead of "only a few..." you misspelled enemy. third part sounded like a report...

supero tus animi,

my head is gone

my head is gone · Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 7:48 pm Post subject:

sorry forgot. "an end-meet" not " a end-meet"

my head is gone · Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 7:49 pm Post subject:

crap.

my own error.

Supero TUUS(tus?) animi

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 8:56 pm Post subject:

I didn't have much time to write this. It started out to like 5 pages, then I had to whittle it down to cut the filler and such.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 1:36 am Post subject:

Nice, one or two spelling errors wich I'm sure came from fast typing, and that was it. Very nice poem good job ENS.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

You should have kept a little length.
Yeah, I did notice a few little mistakes. If you would have read over it a little, and improved it (edited it and what not) it would have been better.

I'm not that big on poems, so I don't critique them all that much, but this was a good one. Doesn't beat Solidus, though.
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-MCC

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 7:19 am Post subject:

I will beat him. O, I will!

Well, one of these days anyways....
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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Chuckles · Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 8:33 am Post subject:

Good job. It would have been much better had you chosen more, shall we say, poetic words. There are words that will convey the same meaning, and yet do it with more style and flow. I would avoid using cliches in a poem (i.e. stuff of legend). Although there are times when they will work well, most often they will only drag your style down.

C.T. Clown

Mainevent · Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 6:28 am Post subject:

I believe what he means is you need to use words with connotation more. Words with emotional attachments, so that you can convey everything you want in a short amount of space.

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 7:16 am Post subject:

Thank you guys.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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Nick Kang · Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 2:04 pm Post subject:

Ah! I didn't see this at first!

I thought it was good. It could have flowed a bit better, and the rhyming scheme was a little rusty, but other than that, I liked it. Keep it up!
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(Na)Marl · Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 5:19 pm Post subject:

--Capitalize Banshee and you're good. 82/100

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2005 3:26 am Post subject:

I meant as the banshee, the ancient beast of yore, not the Banshee, the over-sized piece of shit which fires small rounds of piss at you..
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2005 4:28 am Post subject:

I knew it! I was right, oh and great poem.