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A Series of Poems: Darkness Erupts Mini-Series: Poem One
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 4:25 pm    Post subject: A Series of Poems: Darkness Erupts Mini-Series: Poem One Reply with quote

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A Series of Poems: Darkness Erupts Mini-Series: Poem One
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
28 December 2004, 10:05 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.1228042205115.html
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my head is gone
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow im first. i thought the first was great. on the second i would have said
"few..." instead of "only a few..." you misspelled enemy. third part sounded like a report...

supero tus animi,

my head is gone
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my head is gone
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sorry forgot. "an end-meet" not " a end-meet"
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my head is gone
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

crap.

my own error.

Supero TUUS(tus?) animi
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I didn't have much time to write this. It started out to like 5 pages, then I had to whittle it down to cut the filler and such.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 1:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice, one or two spelling errors wich I'm sure came from fast typing, and that was it. Very nice poem good job ENS.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You should have kept a little length.
Yeah, I did notice a few little mistakes. If you would have read over it a little, and improved it (edited it and what not) it would have been better.

I'm not that big on poems, so I don't critique them all that much, but this was a good one. Doesn't beat Solidus, though.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 7:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will beat him. O, I will!

Well, one of these days anyways....
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 8:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good job. It would have been much better had you chosen more, shall we say, poetic words. There are words that will convey the same meaning, and yet do it with more style and flow. I would avoid using cliches in a poem (i.e. stuff of legend). Although there are times when they will work well, most often they will only drag your style down.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 6:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe what he means is you need to use words with connotation more. Words with emotional attachments, so that you can convey everything you want in a short amount of space.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 7:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you guys.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah! I didn't see this at first!

I thought it was good. It could have flowed a bit better, and the rhyming scheme was a little rusty, but other than that, I liked it. Keep it up!
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 5:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Capitalize Banshee and you're good. 82/100
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 01, 2005 3:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I meant as the banshee, the ancient beast of yore, not the Banshee, the over-sized piece of shit which fires small rounds of piss at you..
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 01, 2005 4:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I knew it! I was right, oh and great poem.
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