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The Priestess and the Warrior - To the Convent Born
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:04 pm    Post subject: The Priestess and the Warrior - To the Convent Born Reply with quote

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The Priestess and the Warrior - To the Convent Born
Posted by Jillybean (jbean_gotmuse@yahoo.co.uk)
26 December 2004, 8:16 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jillybean.1226042016011.html
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
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Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You, know what? THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. The plot was perfect, you had just the right level of detail, you got me into the mind of the Eli - Sangheili. This is perfect. Better than Parcel o' Rogues. You should show this to Bungie, see if everything you have is right, if they'll accept this as part of the Halo series. This is perfect.

You get 930279377482197418343130158739485901841071341893519/10.
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
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Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jilly, that was absolutly incredible.

MCC will most likely have something to say though. Smile
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Berconius
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Joined: 15 Aug 2004
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Location: New York/Ohio

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, you could make a very fair storyline out of this piece alone. This insight into Covenant culture is...impressive. To say the least. Especially the parts like the Prophets don't bath but have large pools and the Oath of Fidelity. You even managed to keep the children in character. impressive doesn't come close.

I did notice some abruptness in the transitions over time, but that's not paramount.

Coolness like a slushie!
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Jillybean
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Joined: 17 Dec 2004
Posts: 299

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Flattered as I am, Halo Fan Natic I think Bungie would ask me if they wanted anything written. I wouldn't presume to send them anything Very Happy

However, I would kill to write a tie in novel about the Grunt Revolution, the thought of little Grunts uprising kills me.

Jumpy transitions seem to be a common gripe amongst my readers, I'll have to do something about that. I feel like I'm nattering on at people so I cut away.

Thanks for the comments guys - I love this story too Very Happy
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 8:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, I'm serious! Send this to them and ask what they think about it!
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 9:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry fanatic. I just don't think bungie would do much with this. No offence to you o' mighty Jilly. I dont think they can use it for much of anything except to look really cool.
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Berconius
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, the official story and fanfiction don't have an equal relationship all the time. It would be cool if they did take this as the official story, though.
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The Arbitress
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Joined: 11 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

screw bungie. this was better than the fall of reach. this was better than, dare i say it, nah. but you come pretty close to lotr.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 4:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Be careful about what you say about LOTR. Many, including me, can call that heresy AND blasphemy.
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The Arbitress
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Joined: 11 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 5:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

apparently you havnt read any of my other posts. tolkien is god. peter jackson is god. out of every person i know and have ever heard of, im probably one of the biggest fans. so, trust me, when i say something is close to lotr, thats like a sign of the apocolypse.

tyára ava nahama. námarie.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 5:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Elvish too. I'm impressed. Rejoice Jilly, for you now have impecable marks.
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Ark Night
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 3:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My God, Jilly. This story was AMAZING!!!!!!!!! It is almost as good as LOTR, and yes i am a fan, too. The level of description you put in there was outstanding. I give you 10/10. Hope that helps. I really didn't see any flaws in the story. It was truly amazing. 10/10.

Ark Night
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LordsFire
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Impressive. And I don't say that often.

I have only two issues. First, the time jump thing, and second paragraph placement. Obviously, by exclusion, this means the quality of your writing is brilliant, all that is left is semantics.

As to the time jump thing, the simple solution is add "____ later..." at the begginning after a time jump. That would sort things up nicely.

I would ask a favor of you. When I submit something here, would you critique it for me?
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Jillybean
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Joined: 17 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh I despise stories that keep going with 'later that lifetime'. If I'm doing the characters right, you'll figure out that its been a few years down the line, if I'm not I'll keep working on it. Very Happy

Thanks for the comments, but I have a tight schedule, I rarely get a chance to read stuff Sad Sorry
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