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Honor:Fear

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:03 pm    Post subject: Honor:Fear Reply with quote

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Honor:Fear
Posted by Zen (semaj1@cox.net)
26 December 2004, 9:45 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=zen.1226040945411.html
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
Posts: 300
Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 5:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, but one thing I noticed is how you swithed from active thinking, IE
Quote:
whatever. He thought.
to the other form like
Quote:
"whatever." He thought.
I'm fine with either but i'd like it if you tried to stick with one. You kept errors to a min. and you managed to make me or less care if the Elites died, something not extrememly easy to do with a character you've been told to hate and kill. I'm not completely sure about your passive style of combat, such as saying they fired and saying they died, maybe a bit of
Quote:
He raised his plasma rifle and released three flaming rounds into the hellish incarnate, it dropped to the floor bleeding its thick green blood.
Also the flood do not regulary come in combat form, they have to capture something and eat it to transform it into a combat form unless they are left from the war with the forerunner which I find unlikely. All in all I thought it was pretty good.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 02, 2005 3:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, you need to use the Code. Without it, your story proved a little hard to read. It was like some solid wal of text. Not a good thing. For a story to be easy to read, it needs to be easy to distinguish what you are reading. Part of that is formatting.

Watch how you transition. Use a couple returns to space things out a bit. Otherwise, things run together, and, like I said before, prove hard to read. You want people to be able to read your story, so you have to make it fun and easy.

Watch your tenses, too. You seemed to switch around to different verb tenses, which really can throw off a reader. Plus, it sounds bad. So, try to keep things constant, and in the right form.

Use more details, too. You want the reader to be able to imagine what is going on. Well, if you do not provide them with the information to do this with, they cannot. So, you have to describe your characters, action, setting, and environment to the reader; painting a picture for them.
This is crucial, and without it a story will seem bland and can become uninteresting or even hard to read through.

Watch getting repedative. Don't use the same term for something over and over in the same sentense or paragraph. It starts standing out to the eye and sounding off to the read.
This will make flow worse, and thus deteriorate the read. Don't let that happen.


Overall, it was interesting, but I really didn't get the point of your plot or anything; and the story itself passed a little too quickly. Just work with the advice you are given, and use it to improve your writing as far as it can go. Have fun.
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