HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Mist: Prologue
Posted by Winters (patpan04@yahoo.com)
26 December 2004, 6:18 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=winters.1226040618591.html

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 1:59 am Post subject:

Niceeee.
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Mark Lieberg
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MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

What kind of comment was that, Mark?

Whoa, slow down there. I know you want to get us all up and interested in your story, but that is not the way to do it. Don't jumpstart us off without a warning, else you are very likely to loose us.
You have to do that kind of thing carefully.
But, it would have been okay had you used a little something. It's called detail. If you would have described a little, went into explenation after each piece of dialogue instead of leaving them stark naked in there. You do not want just little pieces all through your story. It does not look good, and does not read well, either. Improve that.

Also, coding. You need to learn to use more of the Code. Sure, you used bold and what not, but where are your indents?

It doesn't really matter if someone is from ONI or not. A rank is a rank. Now, someone way have orders from higher up, giving them the precident, but a Lieutenant still does not out-rank a Captain.
This also brings up another point. You need to phrase things so they make more sense. I don't think you meant the above mistake as it came across, which means that you should have said it differently. How you phrase things matters emmensely towards how it is perceived.

Remember to spell out numbers.

Yeah, okay, that was odd. That reaction from that guy was totally over the top. I found myself not believing anything he was yelling. I just could not picture the scene in my mind. That is bad. It means it came across as something that was unrealistic and crazy-like.
Make reactions and dialogue more realistic. You want it to sound like a person is saying it, not like he is reading it off of a hoja de papel.

Your plot was sketchy, too. I just didn't find it all that believable and what not. I assume that this was your attempt at writing about Harvest. Well, you did present an interesting idea, but I didn't think it was all to feasable. Work on developing things better.

Overall, it was okay, but more details were needed, and further explenation of the plot would have made events much clearer. Just work on improving things a bit. Keep writing.
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-MCC

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 4:38 am Post subject:

sorry i read this story the other day and forgot to get back to it. I liked it, no Code to start with but the story was good. Are you saying that ONI are affiliated with the Covenant, ohhhh schneeky bastards. And yea wot MCC said, a Lieutenant wouldn't ever outrank a Captain, even if the Lieutenant was from ONI and had a giant lump of gold shining out from his ass and the Captain was an ordinary guy, the Captain still outranks him. That was a kinda odd way of putting it but yeah now you get the picture.

echo3kilo · Member Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 25 Location: cary, nc

too much dialogue. like mc said, you need more description and "meat and potatoes" in the middle. dialogue is crucial to the story, but so is the story itself. keep working, it'll come together.

SYSTEM · Posted: Sun Jan 02, 2005 3:55 pm Post subject:

The importance of Indents!

Indents give your story shape and form. It's much easier to read if you have indents.

Dialogue is good, but too much will kill the story. Think of it this way.

Your story is like an equilateral triangle.

_____________Drama

______Dialogue_______Detail

Now, because the big Genre here is 'thriller,' you'd want to have an equal balance.

So, try again, and remember my "Triangle" analogy.

- Dave.
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Sterfrye36 · Posted: Sun Jan 02, 2005 8:54 pm Post subject:

Haven't I seen this story on Fanfiction.net? I think I have...
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2005 12:28 am Post subject:

Sterfrye, you saying this man plagrized?
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Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2005 3:47 am Post subject:

I think he's saying that this man posted his story on two sites.

Winters · Member Joined: 30 Dec 2004 Posts: 1

Actually, he's right. I do have a second version on FF.net, though the one here is actually going to be a rewrite, since I started off before Halo 2 came out and there were some things that I wanted to fix.

PS: I also tried to fix the dialogue in my next chapter. I hope its enough. Wink

SYSTEM · Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2005 10:39 pm Post subject:

Hey, Winters. Good to have you sign on.

Well, don't hope - KNOW. I suggest you work at it until you are confident and sure-footed; remember to use the code to its fullest extent.

Also know your limits and boundaries, and do not attempt to push yourself beyond what you know. It's better to progress slowly, and have a solid understanding of the first step before you move onto the second.

Take your time, and never rush.

Remember, if you need help, or would just like to chat, drop me a line.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.