HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

3rd Marines in Harvest.
Posted by Dude (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
25 December 2004, 10:37 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=dude.1225042237341.html

[thedarkfire]

Hmm. I wasn't intending on reading this one... Code for starters would help so much you wouldnt believe. Also the years of 5519 and 5520 don't work very well considering that Harvest was lost in 2520. Many spelling and grammar mistakes threw off te flow.

Good story idea but it went kinda fast and transitions were choppy.

Better than some of the other stuff I've seen by a long shot though. Just make sure to read you own story before you post it.

[Mark Lieberg]

Just to tell you something. You had a nice story.

But the timetables are all jacked up. You got it like three thoasand years into the future when its 2552. Harvest was destroyed at 2525. I'm sure you might of read teh halo books. If you didnt. Read them.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[Commander Demitri Wolf]

I should read your story before passing judgement, but after reading this:

[sam_fisha]

I'm guessing that putting it the 5000s was just an error so i'll over look it. Anyway you had a few spelling errors which annoyed me but it was kept somewhat low, you're story was pretty good all together and i'll read a sequel if you have it.

[Elitehunter676]

Ok, first thing, Reach is located in the Elipson Eridouni system. And yeah your dates were a little screwed up.

[russ687]

The following comments are given in the order they were taken, but many apply to the entire section as a whole.

1. You having the D.I. say that this was the "biggest mistake" joining the Marine Corps didn't sound very good. When I picture Basic Training scenes, they come out as the ones from Full Metal Jacket, and that phrase did not fit there. While I can’t say for sure, I doubt any D.I. in any service would say something like that.

2. No periods have dialogue. You did this a lot and it is far from correct. Nothing should be outside a quotation mark.

3. You were fairly redundant throughout the entire passage. Watch out for that.

4. Capitalize all proper nouns, including "Earth."

5. You were very repetitive in the Third Paragraph, during your jody. In order to describe your sequence of the Marines repeating it back to the D.I., you should just start a new line every time they repeat, or just put it into one big dialogue quotation.

6. Do not abbreviate ranks. Spell them out in their entirety during your narrative and dialogue. There are only a few cases where that is acceptable, none of which I will cover here.

7. Your section headers are long but okay. You must Bold them, however.


Now I have some general comments about the passage as a whole.

a. Work on your dialogue, as it was often choppy and didn't flow well.

b. Work on you narrative flow issue (much like your dialogue). It needs to make transition well from dialogue to narrative, etc. It needs to be convincing and move well enough at a nice pace that the reader doesn't fall asleep but also so it keeps them interested.

c. Descriptions were good, but (like above) did not flow well. I like how you take the time to point out these minor details, but you must discern when, where, and how you place it into your story. For the most part it was good, but there’s a lot of room for improvement here.

d. Your ending was good; it leaves the reader with some suspense to look forward to, yet not such a drop-off that the reader is mad with the lack of information. Good job there.

e. Final Point. Use the CODE. Formatting was descent, but you need to use the CODE to perfect it. Also, make sure you brush up on proper writing to know when to start new paragraphs (i.e., like when someone starts talking from your narrative text).


Good thinking behind it all, and good plot direction. Work on the points I've outlined above. If you can correct all those points in your next installment, you professionalism and credibility will greatly increase, along with support from your fellow writers and commentators here at HBO.

Ask questions. Don't go on in the dark.

-Russ

[Commander Demitri Wolf]

[SYSTEM]

Singing for the corps.?

No. That's not good.

Dude, clear everything up. Take your time. Don't rush fiction.

Read some of the stuff by Russ, Mainevent, or other regulars up here, especially Chuckles. That should give you a good idea of what we're looking for here.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[MC's Cousin]

Timelines. They are very important.
Now, I will first address the posibility that you did type your date correctly. If you did, well, the whole Reach thing could be understandable - they could have redone it somehow.
But, since you were using the same technology, and mentioned many "old" story elements, this leads me to believe that you did make an error.
Well, this brings me to my next point. Always make sure to go over your work. It will help you sift out many of these types of small mistakes - things that you want to avoid. And beyond that, it will help you further develop the plot of your story, as well as the material itself.

Well, you need to make your military stuff more realistic. For now, just work on getting them sounding more professional, and more along line with standard protocol and what not. After that, I [and others] will start talking about specifics.
Don't you worry, the more you improve, the more we will find (or at least me). But, as you get better, I will start pinpointing specific problems. Some will be with details, others with your writing style. But, remain aware that it is all to help you and progress you as a writer.

Yeah, don't use abbreviations for ranks or any other word like that. There are some that can be shortened, but for now, try to spell stuff out.

Storyline, too. Give things a purpose. Don't have things happen just for the sake of happening.


Overall, you need to slow things down and think them out before you venture further. But, for now, just work on what you have been told to. Don't rush things, and give your story the time it needs to develop and let you improve it. I don't care if it takes a month (Dave Luck takes more than that); make sure it is the best you can make it. Have fun.
_________________
-MCC

[Andres]

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

I felt that this was only the prologe so I didn't gave it much thought. Next one will be better since right now I'm aplying all I have learned in this thread, I do however need a better timeline of the harvest campaing, can anyone provide it?.

[SYSTEM]

Feh, That's funny, Andres. Good to hear from you.

Well, That's kind of odd, how you put it. Eliminate the weaker. You've obviously read about Charles Darwin?

When I saw the army up close (The Canadian Military, is based on the American system on a much smaller scale.) the instructors hand out brutal excercises, both challenging physically and psychologically, but the NCO's are actually quite nice to you. That's the professional Military. In Air Cadets, our NCO's were brutal. (Especially about shoe polish and such. Ah, that's discipline for ya!)

The Harvest Campaign? It's in the books.


- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[russ687]

There's also a full timeline available on this very site, under the "Story" section. That will give you everything that has ever been officially published by Bungie, the games themselves, or the Books. It's a good idea to check those out everytime you start a series to see where it falls in with the "actual" Halo story-line.

Like Dave said, interesting point. But I still doubt such a phrase would be used. They try and weed out the suckers via physical challengers, and personal attacks. As far as I know, they would attack you as a person (verbally, that is) instead of downgrading the Marine Corps itself.

I can see them saying:

"This is the best descision you've ever made, asswhipe!" Then the D.I. grabbed the Training Rifle. "Four Inches, Pyle! Four inches!"

Not:

"This is the worst deciscion of your life, son."

(okay, that latter one was a little friendlier then you made it out, but for the most part what you had your character say.)

Do you see the difference?

-Russ

[echo3kilo]

when i went to boot (basic for you non-marine types) they never said it was a mistake for us to join, but the DIs always said that the Corps must've been stupid to let us in. the whole elitist thing... andres,by chance did you serve? i notice some undertones that come only from experience. anyway, everyone else has critiqued you enough, already, so i'm just going to suggest that you revise and repost...this story has potential.

[Andres]

I'm re writing.