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Ground team Zulu, chapter 2

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:03 pm    Post subject: Ground team Zulu, chapter 2 Reply with quote

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Ground team Zulu, chapter 2
Posted by x-marine666
24 December 2004, 6:56 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=x-marine666.1224041856142.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh God, where to start? Wait, I know, how about a Point Number One?

1. Use the CODE. You obviously do not know it, so learn it before you post again.

2. Capitalize nouns (i.e. Marines)

3. You descriptions of the dying Marine at the very beginning was rather odd; corny would be the right word. He must have been quite the interesting person to die like that. In addition, you suddenly said they buried the Marine right then and there. That was very out of place.

4. The Grunt using a Shotgun? The Covenant do not use Human Weapons, period. Never have they and never will they.

5. Your combat descriptions were not very good. The fight was the Flood was not written well and did not seem interesting.

6. Your Marines seem far too casual and and unprofessional, especially while fighting the Covenant, and even the Flood. I did not appreciate any of your humor.

7. An hour of fighting with the Flood? Need I say more?


Here are some comments on this section as a whole.

a. Work on formatting and paragraphs, as it is appreant you have no clue how to use them.

b. Your plot is very weak. Another Squad of Marines fighting the Covenant, loosing a man or two, and then (oh boy) the Flood appears. I'm not sure how long it took you to come up with that, but I will say right now you need to think a little harder about something interesting for your readers.

c. Work on making it flow better. Add descriptions, details, and make it practical. I was pretty unimpressed with how the writing was, and I cannot think much positive to say. If you come back with a redsigned story, fixing the mistakes I've pointed out, then I will have plenty of enouragement for you.


You have a lot of work to do. As I will suspect, you will not come back, or you will ignore all of what I've said. But there's a good 2% chance that you'll recognize this comment and take it to improve.

So I ask you, are you like the 98% of all other newbie writers who walk away and quit, or are you willing to put forth effort to improve?

I'll know in a week.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Since russ so wonderfully pointed out so many of the major things, I may repeat some of the things he advised. Though, repetition is not always a bad thing.


Well, I think I saw some form of paragraphing in there. But, I suppose we all have to start somewhere.
Let's see . . . paragraphing is how you separate and arange your text in a story. It is very important, and serves more than one purpose.
For one, it greatly (and I mean GREATLY) improves the readability of a story. Things are easier to read when organised, and paragraphing is a form of organization.
For two, it actually can effect your story. Paragraphing does include how you arrange your material, and sometimes the way you do that can improve the way your story is presented to the reader. The better it is presented, the more thoroughly a person can understand it.
For three, it is a form of formatting, and formatting helps out in many ways as well. It makes things easier to read, it makes things more enjoyable to read, it makes things more enticing to continue, and so forth. It just helps.

Ever hear of details? I guess not.
Yeah, your stuff went by really, really fast. For instance, like russ said, that whole "Marine death" thing passed in a paragraph. Wow. That is fast. He got shot, he died, and they moved on. How touching, and meaningless.
There are two major thing to be learned from this.
The more important one for now would be that you need to learn to use more details. Describe more, explain more; you, as the author, have to explain what is going on to us. If you don't we cannot get an idea of your action or whatever else is going on. You need to strive to pain a clear, unblemished, very vivid image for us in our minds to base your story around. This includes characters, characer personalities, environments, moods, and setting (which can be many things).
The second issue would be that you need to learn to put meaning into what you include in a story. Everything that happens should do so for a reason. Now, part of the problem in these cases is that there can be no reason without a plot for that action or event to effect. Well, you need to develop a plot, a storyline which your actions revolve around; so that your actions and events have something to lend to.

Watch all those small mistakes, too. Here, also, there are different reasons.
One would be that you need to learn how to properly use grammar and spelling.
The other would be that you need to go voer yoru work more beofre you decide to post it. This process is called prooofreading. And it is essential to the writing process. Without it, many mistakes get left in your writing. And further, you don't give yourself time to develop the story in your head. You need to do this.


Overall, this was okay; but it requires a lot of improvement. So, get to work with the advice we have given you, and make your very best effort to improve. Have fun.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 5:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
his, well "arm".


After things like that, I cannot be as generous as others have.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The opening, I'm afraid, seemed lifeless enough.

We don't know about Jonas. Not like you. In fact, How much time did you spend on this?

Don't rush. Writing should never be rushed.
Here, I'll hand you a few ideas. Print this off below, and whenever you plan to do a tragic part, look at this.

Joseph Stalin once said, "One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic!" And all we know about Jonas was that he's become another mysterious name on the wall. We do not associate that name with anything. We never knew him personally, not like the creator. All we can see are words. You see colours. We see words. You see faces. We see numbers. You need to make us see the colours. The faces. The lives.

But all we see now is another mysterious statistic.

But give him a past. Give him a future, and give him a life he should have returned to, and if you had described it, and drawn out the death sequence more dramatically, then perhaps we'd see that one death as a tragedy.

Maybe Jonas had a family. Perhaps before he left, he said to his wife-to-be, "I Love you more than life itself. And when I come back, we'll walk up to the preacher and say, 'I do.'" Or something squishy and sappy.

Perhaps Jonas had a best friend. Perhaps he and that other guy (see, because I didn't know them, I don't get their names correct!) were buddies since they were in diapers. Maybe they shared a strong link. Hey, who knows, perhaps they spent all of fifth Grade copying each others' answers off of each others' test papers to make it through?

But we never knew that. We never knew that Jonas had a family. We never knew that he and that other guy were in diapers together. We never saw how they copied each other's test papers all through school just to make it through exams. We never knew that they used to hang out behind libraries and smoke stolen cigarrettes when they were six years old and they wanted to be 'bad.' We never knew that Jonas Grampa Jack taught him how to catch a fish. We never saw all of that. All we see is a statistic.

So, remember, give your characters a past, a history. A life. Don't let them become mere names!

Keep trying. Slow down. Don't rush. And if you need any help, don't hesitate to talk to any of us.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah. I forgot.

Remember to make each character unique. I was basing Jonas on the stereotypical youth - that's how I got all those ideas.

And right off the top of my head! See, that's how easy it is! It only takes five minutes.

So, remember, slow down. You've got Microsoft Word or some word processor at home, haven't you? If not, go to your nearest public library and work there.

And, read! Continue to read! The more you read, and the more variety you read, the more adaptable you'll become. You'll take to writing like a duck to water if you read enough.

So don't get discouraged. One chapter gone bad shouldn't keep someone down, should it, what? (Oh, geez, did I say "What?" instead of "Right"?!")


- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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