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Suicidal Plans
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:03 pm    Post subject: Suicidal Plans Reply with quote

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Suicidal Plans
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
24 December 2004, 7:30 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.1224040730076.html
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, not bad. It seems like you took a step back detail wise, but your punctuation, grammar, and formatting are almost to the point where they won't get any better. But remember: detail, detail, detail. Don't just say "it died". Say:

Quote:
The Grunt's head snapped back as the nine millimeter rounds slammed into it's skull. It slowly fell backwards, making a heavy thump when it hit the ground.


I know you didn't just say "it died" in any part of your story - you're a notch above that now - but you need to show us exactly what happened. Show us, don't tell us.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 1:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks man. Well I just need to get int he mood to write the next chapter. I only got like 6 days left on my school break. Well thanks. Bye.
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HoZ
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow nice
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 5:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Was it really that good? I really appreciate that. Everyone please read and review.
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Mark Lieberg
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Wiley K.
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Joined: 24 Dec 2004
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Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Basically what A Halo Fan said...

Overall it was better than last, but, like HALO said, you took a step back detail-wise.

Strive to put more in next time

Overall score: 8/10
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. I just read the entire series, so I know what's going on and all. My only suggestion is to relax when you're wiritng about battles, make them a bit less confusing. And type slower, so that way you might have less spelling mistakes. I look forward to the next one!

8.1/10
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 5:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--I'm having trouble getting to the story, but I'll review it as soon as I can.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 11:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Its good, jsut a few errors like where it doesnt make too much sense.

Quote:
A pair of Hunters then came out. Behind them were two more pairs. Seems like the Covenant are desperate, Gerald thought as a marine on the Pelican Dropship fired two of its M19 SSM Jackhammer Rocket Launcher.


Like you saying the Marine is an 'it', and they like threw two of the Jackhammers at the hunters? Just abit more proof reading and it will be pro...
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 12:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ohh. Lol. Sorry. I saw what you meant by 'it'. Damn it. Oh well. It should of been 'their'. I will watch out next time. Thanks for the review people.
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Mark Lieberg
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 10:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have created a rough draft of my story. And should be ready by next tuesday. or weds possibly. I hope everyone enjoys it when it comes out. Thanks. Mark.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 02, 2005 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm only going as far to say that it was okay. The sentences seemed disjointed and didn't flow well. Paragraphs were too small and details were lacking.

You progressed the plot nicely, but fairly quick. I did, however, enjoy the dialogue.

Another thing you need to work on: emotion. Make the readers feel something for the characters, as if they would have an emotional outburst if you killed one of the protagonists. You don't really want to have your plot ruined by not giving it enough sensibility or, as I said, emotion.

Plus, in some areas of the story, you were telling, not showing--this connects with the details. More details can fix the flow of your story, and, at the same time, give the reader a more defined view of what you're describing.

Anyhow, it was decent--just work on the things I suggested and you should do fine!
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 02, 2005 4:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yep, you've got issues around detail, and plotline isn't as strong as evident as the last.

It's like a broken cable - you wiggle it a little, it works fine. You let go, it goes intermittent and your signal gets all garbled. But broken cables can be taped back together, and so can fiction. (Quite literally, I suppose)

Remember, keep working. You've slipped back a little bit, but a little slippage will never stop a good, determined writer.

Keep on rocking.

- Dave.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 02, 2005 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Watch those ANs, Mark. All that bold can turn some people off. Plus, is doesn't look all that great. And don't plead for comments; they will come, you must be patient.

Well, yeah, I think that you did degress with your details. It was just really bland. Also, some of it sounded more like and explenation than a description or narrative. Watch that. Show us, don't try to just tell it to us.
Two BRs? I don't think so. Enhanced vision for an explenation? That just doesn't make sense. How does improved sight lend to holding a large weapon in each hand; firing them both accurately? It doesn't. Try to keep things believable here.
What Jackle-rifle fail-safe? New bullets that go through shields? Man, if a discarding-sabot round cannot make it through a Jackal's shields, a bullet from a normal rifle sure as hell will not. Once again, keep things believable.
Things went by really fast, too. There wasn't much material at all. Did you trip writing this? Or did you just rush it? Well, whatever you did, it really took away from your story. I suggest that you spend a little more time on your next one. I know you can do better than this, so show me that I'm right.

Overall, well, I suppose it was okay, but it was also really lacking and disapointing. Those short paragraphs didn't look or read well; I was hoping for and expecting more. Work on things better next time; and put your full efforts into your future works.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 11:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually. I got A Halo Fan...Natic helping me on the next one. So hopefully his helping into my next chapter will help. I am just glad I get so much help from the main HBO writers. Thanks.

The BR55 can penatrate the Jackals shields now. Just to let you know. Just a quick six round burst will take the shields out. Ohh and the weapons that had the fail safe was a beam rifle.

So other words. I need to watch out. Detail to tell the story not to describ the plot. Aite. Thanks. Well hopfully the next one will be good with the help i am getting. Thanks again. Bye. Mark.
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