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Long Time Gone Part 31

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:02 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 31 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 31
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
24 December 2004, 5:20 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.12240405204231.html
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 2:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been reading your last four chapters. I liked them.'

Well nice story. I just wanted to tell you you spelled sargeant the wrong way.

Its Sergeant. Trust me.
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

in Australia we spell things a little differently Wink
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 4:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I still think that you need more meat. Just to start out with, I will make an example.
Instead of:
You wrote:
Chris was woken by banging on the door. He sat up in his cot.

"Who the fuck..." he said under his breath getting up, "who is it?" He said in a louder voice.

Try something more along the lines of:
I wrote:
Chris was woken abruptly by a loud banging on the door of the chamber. He rubbed his temples and ran a hand over his short stubbled before sitting up in his cot.
His face wore a neutral look. He had actually had a pleasant dream for once. It had been about Alison. They had been on the shooting range; it had been a perfect tie, and both had smiled as they looked into each other's eyes not but six inches apart. Then -- then his dream had been interupted.

"Who the fuck..." he wondered aloud under his breath; as he got up slowly from his bed. With a louder voice he said: "Who is it?"

See what I mean. You start out a little slower, not getting right into the steep hill. And then you can speed up gradually.

Remember to spell out all of your normal numbers. Now, stuff like ninty-nine-billion-three-hundred-forty-seven-million-eight-hundred-eleven would be kinda rediculous; but stuff within the hundreds, or basic numbers (ie- a billion, a million, a thousand, two thousand, etc.) should be spelled out.

Watch those repedetive terms, as well. I noticed that a lot with "ONI" and what not.
Further, I noticed some small mistakes scattered about. Well, you just need to proofread a lot more to get things all sorted out clean. It just shows that you care and have the initiative to get in there and clean out the garbage.

Bull-pup. Not "pop" configuration. And as I had someone comfirm a while back, all of the MA5Bs, BR55s, MA2Bs and realting weapons are in a bull-pup config.

Watch those promotions, too. You have to go through OCS to become an Officer; and Lieutenant is an officer. Besides, if these are Marines, what is he? - a Second or First Lt.?
Also, unless I have unrealistic ilusions, I do not think that ranks are "given out" with such casual behavior. It's not just like "Yeah, you're now a Staff Sergeant. Now get your ass out of . . ."


Overall, it was good, but like I have said, it still could use some improvement. So, get to work, and work hard. I don't want to see your story in the next update. Don't do it! Wait a couple, let things develop, and things will get better. Stories take time; so don't deny them of it. Good luck.
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fallschirmjager
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Posts: 262
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 10:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm.... I'm actualy up to part 35... But i've been going back over it all alot and adding more stuff.

That is the biggest thing i've ever seen you write (not including the quotes, well the 2nd one, that was frigging pro!).

I see why you give advice, you're really... really good... Yeah got MSN or something? I reckon you would be someone to actualy get to read this besides some mates of mine...
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 2:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ask some more people, I've written things twice as long.

And yeah, I have MSN. It's under my name here.

Thanks for the compliment though. I do do this for a reason; or a couple: I'm good at it and I like doing it (don't ask why, I still haven't figured that out yet).

Oh, by the way, I found a mistake in my quote. Instead of "...ran a hand over his short stubbled before sitting up..." It could/should have been either "...ran a hand over his 'rough with stubble'/'short stubbled' chin before sitting up" or " ...ran a hand over his short stubble before sitting up..." But either way would work.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 6:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A few type-o's, but type-o's can be discounted.

Yep, sometimes saving on a cheaper keyboard can cost you in the long run. Nasty business there.

Just remember to take your time, enjoy stuff, and good luck. Try to put some more emphasis on parts that move faster.

With all that said, enjoy.

- Dave.
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"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Its a cheap keyboard but i like it. More comfortable than my friends desktop elite thingy....
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Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
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