HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Long Time Gone Part 30
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
24 December 2004, 5:16 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.12240405161330.html

[MC's Cousin]

Well, I can see that you have improved on things a bit. But, I am still seeing many of your base problems.
Your paragraphs are fairly stark and still lacking a whole lot of meaty material. Like you added more than grass to your field but you still have no trees of which to speek.
You still need more detail, and need to go more into depth with your characters and setting and storyline.
Speaking of a storyline, I think that is part of what could help you. A good storyline is a key to a good story, and I feel that your has nearly ground to a halt.
You are, in a way, draggin a broken leg (the old parts of this series) behind you. If you don't let it go, and more on to some new stuff, then your story will not progress. Sure, you can have the memory of that broken leg, but you must let it physically fall away.
In your case, this might mean starting a new series. Now, that doens't mean that you have to start anew, but it does mean that you have to come up with some original material. Sure, you can continue on with what you have here, and just improve on that with new stuff, characters, adn whatever else.

Further, I think there is something else that is dragging you down. You seem to be doing these things too fast. Popping them off really fast.
This is bad. For one, it is causing you to rush through the story, whether you would like to believe it or not. You want to get them out, and so you type them up quickly, and then post them.
This is not the way to go. You need to proofread more, and let things sit more. Don't think that means "Oh, okay, I'll post my next one and see what everyone thinks". No. It means that you need to let things sit a and simmer for a couple updates (one if you must) so that you can develop things futher, and give more thought to them. Also, this will give you much more time to edit these things. Which would help a lot.

Work on doing that and you should do well. Now, I will have a little more to say, maybe, on the next chapter of this as well.

Overall, you have made this better, but it could still go farther than you are letting it. You need to simply keep working, keep using the advice you are given, and keep practicing your skills.
_________________
-MCC