HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Long Time Gone Part 29
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
22 December 2004, 11:56 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.12220411561129.html

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

First thing, a condom wouldn't stay on long enough to hold that much. It wouldn't take the weight unless you had glued it to yourself.

Same stuff, same stuff. Not enough detail, lack of enthusiasm, off balance, not enough material, plot isn't being developed, yada yada yada.
Just work on the stuff I have been posting on the past few stories and it would od you good. Having paragraphs that are a couple sentenses long is not a good thing.
You are also getting way off focus with your romance. It is about the only think keeping yours story alive. Breath some life into things, eh?

Overall, nothing new to point out. Just, just, work on it.
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-MCC

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 1:29 am Post subject:

I think I'm gonna throw up again, mainly because of the beginning...
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

fallschirmjager · Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 11:32 am Post subject:

Yeah fallschirm here, otehrwise known as grylsy....

Sorry about all the mushy stuff, teacher advised it... To add some depth to the stopry other then 'RAWR RAWR SHOOT SHOOT BANG BANG U R DEAD @ SGL!1ONE ROFLOMG'

But don't worry, this just set the stage for the next few chapters that are combat transpired...
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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Promise me that you will work hard on it and add a crap load more meat to it to beef it up. Eh? For us all.
I like the story, else I wouldn't remember it, but things are just kinda sparse. I want some great indepth plot material that gives me something to continue for.

Hell, I'm always open for editor. But, then again, that is what your physical friends are for.
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-MCC

fallschirmjager · Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 4:23 am Post subject:

how is being an ONI death suad sound?
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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Okay, that is somthing new. But, and this is a big but, don't just try to suplement what you don't really have with more action. Adding more action without reinforcing your story and characters won't do all that much to help. You need to slow down, work things out, let the story develop, and put your utmost effort into it.
That's all the advice I can really give you right now; besides what I already have.
_________________
-MCC

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 11:03 pm Post subject:

If you want a jolt in storyline, just think of stuff.

Like, Luke Skywalker goes through a time vortex and finds the Humans and such. Or, a Predator ship lands on Earth, and the people find out that they hunt Elites and Covenant. Or, this is a good one, ONI is actually not run by anyone, but is a figurehead for a bunch of men ruling the Human Empire AND the Covenant Empire. Sorta MSG, huh? I got a bucket full of ideas like this.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

Wiley K. · Posted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:31 am Post subject:

umm...Luke is a Human....