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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California
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 Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Very good. Nice detail, a nice start to a plot, nice action, you did a good job of getting ito the elite's mind. The only major change I would have made to this would be to use Sangheili instead of Elite. If you're telling from the Covenant point of view then you should always use Covenant terms of adress. Otherwise it was excellant. 9.5/10. |
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Zanzibaked
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Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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| When did Elites turn into Sangheili? Heard about it somewheres before, but I thought it was made up. |
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HoZ
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 440
Location: Tyrone, PA (HA I'M POOR)
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| Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 8:35 pm Post subject: |
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| bungie relaesed the names shortly after halo 2 |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah; before Halo 2, it was fine to use the name "Elite" from a Covenant perspective, and it still is. I mean, in Halo 2 cutscenes, they didn't have people using Sangheili. Nope, they used the names we were all familiar with.
But, if you want to add your own tenique, then feel free to use fancy names that sound great. Same goes for stuff like Zealot. Does anyone know where to get info on that, by the way?
Now, as for the story...:
| Quote: | | ...of them stood about fifteen snarling... |
Well, there is a mustake in there; can you see it? It is the word "about." Since you are the author, and are narrating things from a third person view, you know exactly how many Brutes there would be. That means that you should put that, and not use words like "about" unless there is a large number (ie- "There were almost five-hundred enemy ships circling in the sky above..."). It simply sounds unprofessional, and so should be avoided. 'Cause something unprofessional takes away from flow; and that is a bad thing.
"heavy grenade launchers"? What are those? Brute Shots? Then say that.
In your second paragraph, you mentioned the betrayal of the Prophets to the Elites. Well, as good as that did sound, whenever you mention something like that, I would do it from a character, whose point of view sides with that of which you are presenting. In this way, you can offer an opinionated view, and make it sound good, emotional, covicting, and convincing. Things just sound more natural that way. Instead of you asking nothing, it is the character asking those questions.
"Purple blood splashed with the red..." Where is the red coming from? Just make sure you pin down those kinds of details so that everything make sense and the reader never even thinks about stopping and wondering over something as trvial as a color.
There were also soem parts where things got a little repedtive. Once again, just small mistakes. It doesn't look good, or read good; so I urge you to take heed and proofread more. It will make the quality of your writing improve.
| Quote: | | It was all so damn confusing. |
While it may be an emotional moment, I would really try and avoid human curses like that. It actually took me a little out of the moment; I was totally in the mind of an Elite, thinking as I did as the Arbiter, and then that. Just seemed out of place.
Overall, it was a very nice piece of work. Some problems here and there, but it was nice a a whole. Keep working to improve, and keep up the good work.
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-MCC |
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California
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| Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 2:37 am Post subject: |
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Speaking of cusswords...
Try coming up with new cusswords. Ones that don't really exist. Like Tanj. Or Futz. Something that you won't hear if you walk into a 7th grade hallway. |
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help
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| Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 4:56 am Post subject: |
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I know. "Cunty". Try it with your teacher, female teacher. My friends back in the day came up with that, and they act like they don't know what you're talking about.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures |
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University
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| Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 2:18 pm Post subject: |
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'Twas good.
The battle was pretty easy to understand, but spelling errors dragged you down a bit.
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Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter. |
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California
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| Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Tanj is actually an acronym. There Ain't No Justice. Neat, huh? Don't know what Futz means. I read it in a book somewhere... |
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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| Posted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 2:33 am Post subject: |
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Something else.(basically continuing MCC) I noticed that this story had absolutly nothing to do with your previous submission. Avoid this by, in this case, having the Exicutioner(bollocks to spelling) enter the room after this battle comment or something to that extent.
Your the writer, figure it out.  |
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Zanzibaked
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Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:42 am Post subject: |
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It's still pretty much in the introductory part. This segment was intended to introduce a third character in the mix (you already know there's the Executor and the Brute who intends to kill him). It was also intended to introduce the setting which wasn't very clear in the beginning. The story is gonna be set in the middle of Halo 2 when the Brutes start fighting the Elites.
As for the spelling errors, I goofed a submitted the story after adding a lot of stuff. I didn't mean to, and I didn't know how to fix it, but there you go. Guess I won't start writing in the submission box again. If I ever finish this story, I'm gonna read over all the reviews and make the proper corrections, then put the revised addition on another website. |
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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| Posted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:59 am Post subject: |
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| Put the revised on this site. We'll respect it more; and we're the only Halo FF forum that matters. |
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Zanzibaked
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Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 6:17 am Post subject: |
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| A Halo Fan...natic wrote: | | Tanj is actually an acronym. There Ain't No Justice. Neat, huh? Don't know what Futz means. I read it in a book somewhere... |
Forget Uber Talking Zebras?
As for what'll happen to the revised edition, I was planning on just making a website to put it all on. I guess I could do both though and pin it on here too.
Or just make things easier and forget the website idea... |
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