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Vengeance for a Sister

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:54 pm    Post subject: Vengeance for a Sister Reply with quote

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Vengeance for a Sister
Posted by Cailus (suliac.griffin@hotmail.co.uk)
18 January 2013, 1:33 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cailus0118130133351.html
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good. I'm seeing a marked improvement in the quality of your dialogue (it's extremely sharp—it reads a little bit like Iain M Banks.)

I have a few criticisms, though. First, your punctuation errors (although no show-stoppers) stick out like a sore thumb. It might be worth getting someone to beta-read for you: I am usually available at British times (although I tend not to use our #hboff IRC channel much, if you announce your presence in the thread on General Discussion someone might jump on—I'm sometimes available in the evening, British time, so if I spot you I might hop on.)

Secondly, you use adverbs a lot. As a general rule adverbs should be avoided like the plague. Actually, that's overkill: the trouble with adverbs is that if you use more than one in a short space, they become painfully obvious when reading it. There's no magic bullet for dealing with it, but usually if you leave it for a few days once finished and then re-read it, you'll find yourself scribbling blue pencil over it like it's a pornographic colouring book.

Overall, however, it's good fun, and I'm enjoying it. Good work! Smile
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flugelmeister
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Joined: 17 Feb 2009
Posts: 11
Location: United Kingdom

PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not a bad effort. Though the start is a little clumsy, like a casual chat. I actually started reading it with a David Attenborough voice in my head because it sounded that casual.

The dialogue is quite good as well. A good mix of what's going on and the dialogue itself.
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